Broke But Still Drinking

Stolen Domain

2011-05-06T02:45:00.000-07:00

I no longer own the domain name brokebutstilldrinking because someone bought it out from under my nose. Actually, it expired over the holidays and I was too busy partaking in holiday cheer to renew the domain. I looked over the new website and it's actually pretty strange because the domain name is completely irrelevant to the stuff which is published. I guess they thought they would get some free traffic...the jokes on them - good luck with that. I thought about finding a new domain but I don't really give a shit. I'll just have to rely on the old faithful blogger account.

Severe drooling problems and adult diapers

2010-11-09T03:42:00.001-08:00

I don't know what in the hell is wrong with me. As a child I never thought I'd be the guy who woke up drenched in my own drool. I feel like at some point in the night a whale swims into my dreams and unleashes its blow hole into the direction of my pillow. My neck, my beard, the collar of my t-shirt all become victims of the slow leak that continues throughout the night. It would be one thing if the sludge creeping down my chin smelled like bubble gum or candy canes, but it does not.

I looked into some possible solutions and it seems I may suffer from sort of nasal congestion and this forces my mouth to search for an alternative source of oxygen. My mouth becomes the grand canyon of the bedroom as soon as I drift to sleep. I don't even want to think of the amount of spiders who have come to my mouth for shelter, only to find themselves heading down my throat hours later. Maybe this is why I no longer wake up hungry in the mornings.

I could head off to the store to buy some drool bibs, but then I'd have to borrow a child from someone, maybe my niece will do. Maybe the easier solution is to wait for some mother to leave her child's bag unattended and help myself to a few products.

There has to be an answer, and the answer is not for my fiance to throw my pillows off the bed each morning, "Those things smell disgusting!"

I hope this isn't a sign for things to come. I don't want to be a guy in diapers. Who will change my diapers?

A vodka enema

2010-11-06T05:42:00.000-07:00

I was at the bar last night and 1000 Ways to Die played on the television. The bartender mentioned an episode where a man died from shoving a bottle of vodka up his ass and I immediately started laughing. I laughed at the thought there actually was an episode on the topic or if the network would actually broadcast such an episode on tv.

"It makes sense because your ass doesn't have a gag reflex so it doesn't know when to stop chugging so you'd probably die from alcohol poisoning," Otis O'Flanningan said, entertaining the fact that people in the world are shoving bottles of vodka up their asses.

"You two are insane. Why would someone want to shove a bottle of vodka up their ass?" I asked.

"I think he wanted to get a buzz quicker. A woman shoved a bottle of vodka up her husband's ass and he ended up dying," the bartender said and flicked her over her shoulder, as if this is everyday bar conversation around these parts.

"Who would want to get a buzz that quick?" I said - looking to Otis O'Flanningan who was hunched over the bar laughing and trying to keep his crutches from falling away from the bar.

"Well Bear Grylls drank dirty water through his ass because he knew he wouldn't be able to keep it down," he said.

"So now your asshole doubles as a water filtration system?" I said laughing.

"No but it can help you absorb water that you otherwise couldn't swallow," he replied.

I couldn't help it, even though I didn't want it on my Blackberry's search history, I had to look and so I Googled shoving a bottle of vodka up your ass. I think the responses on some of the forums were just as funny as the thought of someone drinking vodka through their sphincter:

Anyone asking such a question must be suffering from severe mental retardation.

One things for certain, nobody will be asking to sip from your bottle.

ROTFLMAO

These weren't the expert opinions I was looking for but it's probably best that the question remains a mystery to me. I don't think I want to know about people drinking vodka through their asses.

Don't place blame

2010-09-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

A man was standing outside of his foreclosed home with a case of empty beer bottles, playing out the memories of a recent and bitter divorce in his mind.

"Yur'd da reason I don't av a wife," he said, smashing the 1st empty beer bottle off the wall.

"Yur'd da reason I don't av a car," he said, smashing the 2nd empty beer bottle against the wall.

"Yur'd da reason I don't av any friends," he said, smashing the 3rd empty beer bottle against the wall.

He reached into the case and discovered a sealed and full bottle of beer.

"Step aside my friend, I know you weren't involved."

Fake Betting

2010-09-04T07:40:00.000-07:00

It's about that time of year again, college football has arrived and I really want to make the games interesting without costing myself an apartment or vehicle. I'll call up one of the bookies and go through my typical song and dance.

Bookie: What do you want?

Me: I want to bet on these games.

Bookie: Ten dollar bets again? You don't pay anyways.

Me: Let's make it 1 dollar bets this year and I don't expect to pay or get paid.

Bet against me and you'll make a fortune.

My picks:

Notre Dame -10½ over Purdue

BYU -1 over Washington

NC +9½ over LSU

Pic of broken file in root canal

2010-07-10T16:40:00.000-07:00

You can see the broken file sticking out of the root on the left.

I was having problems with my teeth last year and finally decided to go to the dentist. I didn't have insurance so I knew any news would be bad news because my dead presidents were about to loose quite a few members.. I asked my mother who I should go see.

"Well, who's your dentist?" she asked.

"What do you mean? You know I've always gone to Dr. Clark," I said.

"Chad! Dr. Clark has been retired for 14 years."

"It's been that long? No wonder I'm having problems with my teeth."

Apparently the rest of my family had taken the retirement of our family dentist a lot better than me and moved on to new and younger dentists, but I'm not as easily talked into letting someone new play with my mouth. I finally agreed to see my father's dentist.

It was a lot different than I remembered. These new dentists had suction devices and rinsing with water and spitting into a bucket had become a thing of the past so I already grew concerned at how much this suction service was going to cost me.

Long story short, I needed two root canals and I was given an estimate of $3000 or I could have them both pulled for $400. I was going to have them yanked but my family convinced me that teeth were important and that I should try to hang on to as many as possible.

I paid $700 out-of-pocket for the first root canal and then my new job provided me with dental insurance and my expenses were cut down some. I ended up having the other root canal and crown done and it cost me about $700. The out-of-pocket tooth wasn't crowned because I was having problems with it. My dentist opened it back up and tried cleaning the root canals a little better but to no avail. It was about 8 appointments (I think the dentist was milking my insurance co) and close to $2000 later and my tooth was still hurting.

"I think there may be a broken file in one of the canals and that's why you're still having pain," said my dentist, "and I'm going to send you to a specialist I know to take a look at it."

"Will I have to pay for that?" I asked.

"You'll have to pay for the visit and see what your insurance will and will not cover," she explained.

I was pissed. Why am I responsible for paying for her mistake? I stormed out of the office and called my mother bitching. She told me I should have gone to her dentist from the get go and said to go see her specialist and not bother seeing the dentist's recommended specialist. I did go see the specialist my mother recommended and she said it didn't look like a broken file but it looked like the tooth was fractured. The specialist called my dentist and recommended she put in a tighter compound and see how that works out. Thankfully the specialist was nice enough not to charge me for the visit. I decided I was going to hold off on having the tooth finished because I was going to wait until my insurance was back to covering the rest of the treatments.

It had been about three months since the last visit to the dentist and I couldn't take it any longer. My tooth was killing me and I could no longer take the pain anymore. I was at work the other day and called my dentist during lunch break. I wanted to tell her to just pull the thing out because I wasn't giving her anymore money. Conveniently the dentist was on vacation for the week so I had to call on my mother once again. She called and made me an appointment with the oral surgeon she had seen in the past. He was able to squeeze me in the same and I left work early and made my way to the surgeon's office. Three shots of Novocaine, some very firm twisting and pulling and the tooth was finally extracted from my face.

"How about that," he said and held up one of the roots. "Looks like there was a broken file in your root canal."

Son-of-a-bitch. That stupid dentist botched my root canal and I had to pay another $200 to have the $700 dollars worth of worked pulled out of my mouth. I'm pissed. I've google searched broken files in root canals and it seems to be a very big occurrence in dentistry. How can these crooks get away with this bullshit? Most forums say you can't do anything because you sign paperwork stating that root canals are not an exact science and dentists aren't accountable. I wonder what would happen if the rest of the world operated this way.

Prostate Exam somewhere...

"Mr. Johnson, we're going to put this instrument up your rectum but we're going to need you to sign this form because we can't guarantee will get this instrument out of your ass once we get it up there."

Pet Groomer somewhere...

"I'm here to pick up Rover."

"Ahh, Rover is dead."

"What!! He was only getting a haircut."

"Yeah but the intern had him in the tub and forgot to turn off the water and Rover drowned. Sorry about your loss. We have some strays out back if you want to go have a look. We can give you one for twenty bucks."

Making adult decisions

2010-06-08T06:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not known for making adult decisions but something happened over the weekend and I actually made an adult decision for one of the few times in my life. I was recently offered a new job and it's actually a professional job, so I'll be working in a professional environment for the first time in nine years. I don't know if my brother was as happy about the news, being I would no longer be working the front desk at the salon and practicing my skills as a shampoo boy, I'm sure it was a sad day for the women patrons as well.

I decided I should take a vacation before I started my new job in the city, so I called up some of the old tree guys in North Carolina to see what was happening down there and tell them of my plans for a visit.

"Come on down, Plinky." I earned the nickname Plinky because I used to takes bottles of Pelinkovac to them back from my visits to PA.

"Get down here, Plinky. We're actually going deep sea fishing in Charleston, SC for the weekend and we already rented a fishing boat and hotel room so the trip's already covered," my old boss explained.

"Ok, but how much do I have to chip in?" I asked.

"Not much. I know how big of a cheap ass you are and we won't make you throw in too much," he explained.

A cheap vacation is exactly what I had in mind before starting my new job so I made quick arrangements to get down south. I told my brother I needed him to find someone to fill in for me because I was leaving to go on vacation. I pretty much had my bags packed in an hour and I was out the door and on my way down to North Carolina to meet up with my old coworkers, where we would leave in the morning for Charleston, SC.

I was in my car and headed down south on interstate 79 when my phone rang, "Are you on your way?" my former boss asked.

"Yup. I just left. I'll be in town around 12:15 tonight so have some beer ready," I said.

"We'll have more than beer ready. We bought all kinds of mushrooms and cocaine so the weekend is going to be killer," he said.

"Really? Sounds great," I said reluctantly.

I immediately had a bad feeling from that point on. I stopped working for my boss years ago and started my own tree business because there was too much drug use at his company and too many missed paychecks, so I didn't want to be associated with that lifestyle anymore, especially since I was starting a new job in less than two weeks. I had a sense of foreboding for the next three hours and I kept thinking I should just turn around, even though I kept pushing further south.

I made it all the way to Beckley, WV and decided this trip was a bad idea. I didn't want to risk getting pulled over or something along those lines and getting some kind of drug charges against me, so I went through a 2 dollar toll booth, drove a mile down the road, turned around and paid 2 more dollars to head back up north. My old boss called and asked me my location and I told him I never left and that I was still back in Pittsburgh. He was in disbelief and hung up the phone.

I had driven exactly 7 hours and paid $6.50 in tolls to not go on vacation. I called my girlfriend and explained my situation and she said, "Wow! You're actually making big boy decisions."

"Well don't think this means I'm not going on vacation. I'm going on vacation in the apartment, so I don't want to be bothered. I'm planning on sitting on the couch, watching tv, and drinking beer and I don't want to be bothered."

"So what will be different from this weekend and the past 4 weekends," she asked.

"This is an official vacation. Just like the vacation Al Bundy took on Married with Children, the one where Al sectioned off a piece of the living room and Peg, Kelly and Bud had to leave him alone," I explained.

"Sounds great. I can't wait," she said.

And that's exactly what I did, I sat on my back deck with a couple of buddies and went fishing for a beer buzz.

Baby for beer

2010-05-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

The tough times of the economy are making people do pretty crazy things, or this guy is just an inbred who can't get a job and come up with 5 bucks to buy some beer. Now I've traded an old tv for a case of beer but I've never tried trading a baby for beer.

Matthew Brace, a 24- year-old man, was accused of trying to swap his baby for two 40 ounce beers at a Chicopee gas station in Massachusetts.

Come on, dude, you could have gotten at least a keg of beer for a baby.

Russians make pirates disappear

2010-05-07T08:24:00.001-07:00

I was anxiously awaiting to see how the Russians would handle the pirates who hijacked one of their vessels off the Somalia coast this week and they did not disappoint. I knew they wouldn't pussyfoot around and negotiate like some of the other countries.

Word from their Defense Ministry Spokesmen is they used a famous fishing method known as the "catch and release" but nobody is quite sure as to the current whereabouts of the pirates. At what point and where were the pirates released? Nobody knows because the Russians really haven't said what happened to the pirates.

I've seen a lot of magicians over the years and they never reveal the secrets of the disappearing act, so why should the Russians?

Well played, mother Russia...well played.

Old man shows fence little mercy

2010-04-06T08:04:00.000-07:00

An otherwise peaceful day was interrupted today when an elderly gentlemen crashed through the fence in the parking lot across the street. One of the salon's client's walked in and said she witnessed the accident and asked the man if he needed any assistance, only to be told, "Mind your own business, lady," and the man walked off down the street.

Bank employees and police emerged onto the scene and were baffled to find the car unoccupied and the fence's assailant nowhere to be found. We asked the witness if she could give a brief description of the man and she said, he's about 6 foot tall, probably in his late 80's or early 90's and has slicked back white hair. I recommended we start our search at all local pharmacies when another client suggested the man may be drunk.

"Well, he couldn't get very far because he doesn't walked very fast," the witness said.

"So he was a pretty friendly old man?"

"He was very mean and seemed to have no regard for the fence or any surrounding vehicles."

It was later determined that the man responsible for the accident was late for a dentist appointment and didn't want to miss his teeth cleaning. People, we don't need this deranged individuals driving around on our streets. What if it was your fence and your parking lot thrown to the wayside for a set of sparkling teeth? These type of people should be locked up.

How to fill out 2010 census form

2010-04-01T06:50:00.000-07:00

The 2010 Census forms are due today. I watched mine sit on the counter and collect dust as I used it to jot down phone numbers, email addresses and future food orders. I'm not a big believer in filling out the census, even though it's apparently against the law to refuse to send the thing back. Against the law, really? I read an article and found it costs the government 41 cents if people mail it back, but it will cost them over $50 dollars to send a census taker to your home, which I've heard they will actually do. Now who wants to spend time with a government official if you don't have to.

I decided to do my part and let big brother know exactly who lives at my apartment, and that's a family of 4 year old Puerto Ricans. That's right. I filled the thing out in my best child's handwriting, making sure to mark multiple x's so the census worker will be forced to work overtime. Good luck with deciphering the letters to my name and the phone number because I couldn't read it after I finished.

I also attached a note and let them know I'm looking forward to all the federal funds coming my way.

Thank you Big Brother.

Scary Neighbor Laws

2010-03-31T08:02:00.000-07:00

Today someone mentioned to me how their daughter lives next door to one of my friends, and then she told me how he's a pretty scary person to have as a neighbor. My friend is rather large and his appearance implies a very cantankerous disposition.

"I agree. I wouldn't want to live next door to him," I said.

"He's always outside with his dog, and he doesn't look very approachable," the woman explained.

"I wouldn't approach him," my brother said, "he'll never stop talking if you start up a conversation with him," he continued.

"Really! He doesn't look at all friendly," she explained.

"I'd want him out of my neighborhood. You should start a petition to have him removed from the neighborhood," I said.

She laughed and I thought, why not? Why must people live next door to those they find unacceptable in their neighborhoods? I'm sure her daughter paid good money for her home and she shouldn't have to look out her window and see my friend, and his unkempt, sloppy body walking around in the backyard and walking past huge mounds of dog shit. I know my friend and I guarantee he doesn't pick up any of his dog shit, unless he's using the bottoms of his shoes to do so.

I wonder if I can do anything to have my friend removed from her neighborhood. I'm sure I would be rewarded monetarily because her property value would go through the roof. Maybe I'm onto something. I wonder if there's a bad neighbor or scary neighbor law of some sort. They don't let people put cars on cinder blocks in front of their homes so why should weird looking people be allowed to roam freely. At least make people like my friend stay indoors.

Commit crimes in poor neighborhoods

2010-03-25T06:43:00.000-07:00

I'm working for my brother again so I only travel about 3 miles to work everyday and I get to see all three classes of people in a short drive; poor, middle and rich. I also associate with the three because I drink in a poor neighborhood, live in a middle class neighborhood, and work in a rich neighborhood. I guess you can say I'm a man of all the people.

I sit at the front desk, watching as three cop cars surround a minor traffic accident. I walk to the bank and make change for a 100 and discuss the situation with the bank tellers.

"That should keep the boys in blue busy for a while. This town hasn't seen this much action in some time. I wonder if they'll throw that guy up against his car," I said.

Looking out the window towards the scene of the accident. "You mean the 65 year old man?" The teller asked.

"Why not?" I said.

The other teller intervened, "I wouldn't be surprised if the accident makes the paper."

"Probably will."

And it probably will and this got me thinking. How can two towns, only 3 miles apart, be so different from eachother? There are police pursuits happening in my town. This is a story from my local paper and I went to school with this kid.

Times Online -A Leetsdale man with an extensive criminal record in Allegheny and Beaver counties faces new charges after local police said he led them on a car chase early Sunday from Aliquippa into Ambridge and then fled on foot through the borough while displaying a stolen handgun.

Christopher Hendon, 32, of 30 Ohio River Blvd. has been charged with reckless endangerment, reckless driving, drunken driving, driving while under license suspension, being a habitual offender for driving with a suspended license, carrying an unlicensed firearm, being a convicted felon not to possess a firearm, receiving stolen property, fleeing police and several traffic violations.

According to court documents, the incident started around 4 a.m. when Aliquippa police attempted to pull Hendon over for driving through a stop sign at Kiehl Street and Highland Avenue. Instead, Hendon fled onto Route 51 southbound at a high rate of speed and across the Ambridge-Aliquippa Bridge into Ambridge, disobeying traffic signals and stop signs as he raced ahead of police cruisers, police said.

Police reported Hendon drove the wrong way onto one-way Glenwood Avenue, finally wrecking into a curb and jumping out and running away. Officers said he was running so fast that he slipped out of his shoes.

As he fell at one point, Hendon pulled a loaded pistol out of his pocket, losing the magazine from the handgun, police said, and kept running with the gun in his hand. Later in the foot chase, Hendon tossed the gun onto the roof of a building in the 300 block of Duss Avenue, police said. Officers recovered the gun, which had been reported stolen from Kittanning, Armstrong County.

Police said that when they caught him, Hendon smelled of alcohol, had glassy, bloodshot eyes and slurred his speech. He refused to consent to a blood-alcohol test, police said.

When police ran Hendon’s record, they discovered that he has been accused at least five times of driving even though his license is suspended for previous DUIs and that he is not permitted to have a firearm.

Hendon already was awaiting trial on drug charges from Pittsburgh and Monaca and a harassment charge from Aliquippa.

Hendon was sentenced in September 2002 to serve two to four years in prison for the statutory rape of a 12-year-old Harmony Township girl in 1999. Also, he was sentenced to two to four years’ imprisonment in June 2001 in an October 2000 robbery in Rochester.

About 10 years ago, in February 2000, Hendon was acquitted by an Allegheny County jury of shooting 31-year-old Kevin North of Ambridge to death on a car ride between Pittsburgh and Ambridge on May 3, 1999, and dumping North’s body in the Oakland section of the city.

How can two towns - so close - be so far away? If you want to break the law move to my town, because we have a 20 plus strike policy. Don't even think about committing 21 crimes in this town, buddy, or we'll lock you up and throw away the key.

What health reform means to me

2010-03-23T11:07:00.001-07:00

After the landmark health care legislation passed by the President I've decided to make some big changes in my life.

1. I'm not planning on working too hard because I don't want to make enough money and be required to pay my share of the money into health care. I'm opting to do just enough to stay under the poverty threshold so I can get my stuff given to me by the country. Why work hard for health care when I can have it for free. Forget owning a home because the IRS can come after it when I refuse to buy my own health coverage. You can't take what I don't have, therefore I'll only working for money paid to me under the table.

2. Ending all physical activity and exercise of any sorts, and starting to drink a lot more. Why? Because insurance companies are no longer allowed to ban me for bad behavior, therefore I'm now burdening the rest of you with the financial responsibility of my poor decision making. Smoking? Why not, let's give that a go too. Fast food? Bring it on! Let's get those arteries clogged up because I can just walk right into any hospital and demand service, after all, I am entitled. I'll bet I can even jump ahead of the guy whose been working hard all his life. Why not, now I'm just as important as him.

3. Try and collect unemployment because it lasts like 2 years nowadays. Free money and free health care? Now that's the American dream.

Intervention at the bar

2010-03-16T09:22:00.000-07:00

I was at the bar last week with a buddy of mine and decided it was the perfect place and time to have an intervention with him. With my seven weeks of sobriety, even though I bailed on my bet, I somehow feel I gained a sense of arrogance, or expertise, with the whole sobriety thing.

"You need to stop drinking so much," I said.

"But you called me down here to meet you," he defended himself.

"I called you down here to drink a few beers with me. I don't want to sit and watch you drink 12 to 15 shots while I'm sitting here with you," I explained.

"So you're calling me a drunk???" He asked.

"That's what I'm saying. You need to get your act together," I explained.

"But you drink," he said, speaking with a tone of disbelief.

"I drink beer. I'm not throwing down 15 shots on a Sunday afternoon. You need to stop this shit," I said.

"So what are you saying I should do?"

"I'm going to help you get your life back on track. We need to get your body healthy and then we need to get your mind healthy. I'm picking you up to go running tomorrow because you're getting fat and I never thought I'd see you get fat."

"If I didn't know you, I'd punch you in the face," he said and I believed him because he tends to get in quite a few barroom brawls.

"I'm just giving you a little tough love and I don't care if you get pissed at me."

So we decided I'd be his new life coach and I was going to start getting him back in shape. We agreed to meet up the next day to go jogging, talk to my old landlord about getting him a new apartment and ask him about a job.

The next day Otis O'Flannigan called and asked, "How did day one of mentoring go?"

"Not very good. I had some errands to run and pulled a no show. Hey, I never said this was going to be easy. It's a work in progress."

Men buying tampons

2010-03-08T16:31:00.000-08:00

I made the mistake of asking my girlfriend if she needed anything from the store today, and she told me she needed tampons and I told her she can forget about it. I told her there is no way she really needs tampons and that she's just messing with me. She insisted and said, "Everybody knows they're not for you so what's the big deal?"

"Well, I'm going to Costco and I don't feel like lugging around an industrial sized box of tampons," I said.

I've never in my life purchased any feminine menstrual products and I didn't need my first outing making me look like I'm coaching a women's sports team and getting them ready for a long road trip. Maybe a small box I could hide under my big box of oatmeal but where would I hide a big box of tampons? I told her I'd see and she told me what kind to get, which also sucks because now, not only do I have to buy tampons, but I have to get a certain kind, eliminating my plan of closing my eyes and knocking the closest box into the shopping cart.

Of course, I bought everything on my shopping list then made a few passes through the soap aisle and tried peaking over to see if I could spot the proper tampons. I kept looking to the tampons and then to the check out lines. I needed to make sure there wasn't a long line that would require me to stand with the tampons too long. I needed to treat these things like a bomb about to explode within minutes, and move it out of the store as quickly as humanly possible.

I grabbed the things and buried them under my frozen fruit and cans of tuna. I spotted an older gentleman working a checkout and made my way towards him. I chose the older man because he's probably purchased his share of tampons and he's the least likely to judge. If all the registers were being worked by college kids, my girlfriend would be stuffing toilet paper down her pants because I would have bailed.

The man rang me up and the total came to 131 dollars. Shit! The damn tampons sent me over my budget. I only took 120 dollars with me. Now I have to make a quick decision and eliminate something from the bill and it can't be the tampons.

I smiled at the gentleman and said, "Can you take the garbage bags off the bill? I only brought 120 dollars with me and the tampons are a must. If I don't get the tampons, it won't be a good week."

I left with the tampons and immediately sent my girlfriend a text: You better enjoy those tampons because I had to dump the trash bags at the checkout counter because they sent me over my intended budget.

I swore I'd never in my life buy tampons and now I've become a little bitch. Maybe I need some tampons.

seven weeks of sobriety

2010-02-11T12:10:00.001-08:00

My girlfriend bet me I couldn't stop drinking and I told her it wouldn't be a problem. I told her I needed some kind of reward to stop, a trophy at the end of the finish line of sorts, and after all my ideas for some type of sexual reward were shot down, we decided on a vacation destination of the winner's choice. I am going on my seventh week and it hasn't been much of a problem.

The bet is to stop drinking until St.Patty's day but I feel so good that I may go longer. I've found the biggest problem with my lack of drinking is finding things to do and this can be tough when the city is being dumped with 3 feet of snow. I workout every day and sometimes twice a day, I'm actually down to 183 lbs and I'm going to disappear if I keep burning all these calories without replacing them.

I found myself outside at seven in the morning on Saturday, shoveling snow and having no real game plan of where I was shoveling to. I just shoveled and shoveled until my shoulders and arms began to burn. I went back inside and drank another 3 or 4 cups of coffee; oh yeah, I'm heavily addicted to coffee right now, more so than I've ever been in the past.

I've been thinking over this whole blog thing and it's starting to make little sense, since I'm not drinking and I'm not really that broke anymore. I'm not saying I'm pressuring Trump to step down or anything but I'm no longer dumping change into the change counters in order to buy beer and snacks.

I also can't even bring myself to buy fast food anymore. I used to live on fast food and now I refuse to buy the stuff. I tempt myself by going through the drive thru but then I speed away with only a cup of coffee in my hand.

This whole sobriety thing is kind of weird but I'm feeling much calmer and the anger has dissipated.

*Pause*

Hold on, I'm going to kill this little bastard outside if he pisses on my porch again. See how far I can boot the pussy cat.

Just kidding.

Joining Jewish Friend Finder

2010-01-29T08:13:00.000-08:00

I seem to treat certain friends as if they are omniscient. For instance, I only have one Jewish friend so I tend to think he knows everything there is to know about Jewish faith and customs, which I probably shouldn't, being he used to spend many nights in New York chasing overweight women and snorting paychecks up his nose.

My girlfriend works for a Jewish family so when I need to know if she has vacation days or not, I usually send him a text: Which holidays are the Jews celebrating this month? He'll laugh and then answer my questions.

The company next to my work went out of business, so I found myself rummaging through their dumpster. This isn't the first time I've gone dumpster diving and it probably won't be the last time. I'm just waiting to run into a Freegan one of these days.

Freegan: What are you doing here?!

Me: I'm shopping. The real question is - what are you doing here?

Freegan: I live here. Now beat it!

It was an old coffin company so I don't know what I expected to find in their dumpster, but I took a look anyway. I found and old, weather-beaten, brown box and picked it up. The contents spilled through the waterlogged cardboard and onto some other trash. I picked one up and removed the plastic wrap and found Jesus staring at me. Now who would throw away Jesus, I thought. I opened up the rest of the plastic wrappers and found old bronze crosses and multiple Star of David ornaments; this was obviously the work of an atheist. I collected my find and left the dumpster.

Now why did I take these? Well, I have connections in the flower business and I can put them to use in funeral arrangements, and that's exactly what I did. The floral shop owner told me he'd definitely use them. But what use did I have for the Star of David ornaments? The floral owner said he didn't have many Jewish customers so he probably couldn't use them.

I sent my buddy a text.

Me: I found a bunch of these Star of David coffin plaques. Do you want them?

Jewish friend: Why in the hell would I want those?

Me: Because you're Jewish.

Jewish Friend: Who gives a shit! Do you want me to send you everything I find with Jesus' face on it?

Me: That depends on whether or not it's worth anything.

Jewish Friend: I gotta go.

Me: Ok. I'll talk to you later.

He probably wishes I had more Jewish friends. Maybe I'll join Jewish Friend Finder.

a big cock

2010-01-26T06:35:00.001-08:00

If I ever have a son and happen to witness a cat attacking a rooster, I'm going to stop and say, "Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson here."

"What's that dad?" He'll say.

"A big cock doesn't always get the pussy," I'll say with a smile.

I'd make a wonderful role model.

"Adorable" Adrian Adonis wrestling doll

2010-01-21T08:28:00.000-08:00

I stopped by my mother's house yesterday and she asked me to get my old boxes out of her shed and I obliged. I couldn't believe all the stuff I found. It really brought back a lot of memories from my youth and I realized something, I was a little sports nerd as a kid. My biggest collectibles were always my WWF Superstars, the ones with the little posters under their feet, and I had around 70 or 80 of them. My nephew cleared out most but I did find my "Adorable" Adrian Adonis doll, still in the package. I remember keeping him in the package because he died in a car crash and I figured it'd be worth millions one day. Well, my blog starts with "broke" so I'm not sure how all of these collectibles have paid off.

I have Joe Montana starting lineups, still in the packages, and Topps sticker albums from 1982, when they cost only a quarter. Do you know the self-restraint it takes as a child to keep your toys in the package? It's unbelievable.

I have so many rookie cards, but I think most are worth nothing and can be placed next to the toilet to be used as wiping paper. Think of it, you could get some last minute stats before you discard the cards into the commode.

I still have boxes of Wheaties with the Stanley Cup Penguins on the front, wrapped in plastic, of course.

"Bo, you don't know diddley about collectibles!"

What will the garbage man take?

2010-01-19T07:55:00.001-08:00

I noticed something unusual yesterday and stopped to gawk at garbage for a moment. I'm not sure what the borough's policy is on hauling away trash but I'm pretty sure most boroughs exclude large trees. I've lived in areas that will take away trees, if they are cut into three foot sections, but I'm pretty sure this doesn't fit into the category.

I stared at the trash and admired their creativity. I wondered if the family had ever worked for the mafia before, and if they had a hand in the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa. I played out the conversation between the homeowner and the trash man in my mind.

Trash Man: We can't take that trash bag.

Homeowner: Why not?

Trash Man: Because there's a tree in there.

Homeowner: I don't see a tree.

Trash Man: It sure looks like a tree.

Homeowner: It sure does but it's not.

Trash Man: I see a trunk and pine needles and I'm pretty sure I know what a tree looks like.

Homeowner: That's not a tree. It's an ornament.

Trash Man: That's a pretty big ornament.

Homeowner: You're telling me. You should have seen the tree.

If they get away with this I'll have to rethink what I throw in the trash. I wonder if you can simply cover things in trash bags and convince the trash company to haul it away. Maybe wrap an entire junked car in trash bags and push it out in front of the other garbage. Buy some property with condemed homes and spend the day wrapping the houses in garbage bags and telling the garbage man, "Yup, just take it away. I don't want the thing anymore. I'll look away if you want to put aside a little something for yourself."

Babysitting a fish

2010-01-13T10:53:00.000-08:00

Today I was asked to babysit a fish, and I'm not talking about the drunk living down the street. I asked him how to get into his apartment to feed the thing and he told me to use a credit card as a key.

"Just feed him once every day or two. You can reward yourself with a beer from the fridge after each feeding," he said.

"You're gonna have one fat ass fish when you get back," I said.

He laughed and thanked me.

"Oh, where did you get that fish?" I asked.

He told me the name of the store and asked why.

"Because I may need to replace your fish before you get back," I said.

"Don't bother. If he dies, flush it so it doesn't stink up the apartment."

My friend has been waiting for his fish to die so he can finally get rid of the fish tank. All the other fish passed away years ago but this one is a fighter and refuses to go slowly into that good bowl.

Maybe I'll surprise my friend and restock his fish tank before he gets back from vacation.

Wow words for resumes

2010-01-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

I didn't go out this past weekend and opted to stay in and work on my resume instead. My girlfriend got me a copy of Resumes for Dummies, because she knows me so well, and I decided to study the thing on every trip to the bathroom. You could probably spend an entire year in the bathroom trying to get through the entire book; it's as thick as Tolstoy's War and Peace and it's about as interesting.

The book taught me a very important lesson, pay someone to write your resume, but I'm way to cheap to fork over cash for such things. The book explains how the broad resume is a thing of the past and how companies want targeted resumes, basically, you need to readjust your resume for each and every job you're applying to. Who has time for this shit? I have a hard enough time writing the broad resume, let alone the plethora of targeted resumes.

I decided to do what every good resume writer should do and opened the page to Wow Words and then focused on the wow words for many skills, because I believe I am a man of many skills.

Wow words for many skills: accomplishment, achieved, adapted, adhered, allocated, appraised, arbitrated, arranged, articulated, assured, augmented, collected, communicated, composed, conceptualized, conserved, contributed, coordinated, demonstrated, dispensed, evaluated, executed, facilitated, forecast, founded, governed, guided, illustrated, improved, increased, initiated, integrated, interpreted, invented, launched, led, navigated, optimized, organized, originated, overhauled, performed, prioritized, promoted, proposed, reconciled, rectified, remodeled, repaired, reshaped, retrieved, solved, stimulated, streamlined, strengthened, trained, upgraded, validated, won, wrote.

Then I decided to stuff as many of these wow words into a summary of my working background as I possibly could. I figure it won't make much sense and they'll probably be so confused by the time they get through the thing, they'll forget everything they just read, and call me in for an interview.

Chad's Profile

I have solved many problems in my lifetime and I forecast more problem solving skills in the future. I've promoted and displayed strong business ethics throughout my career and adhered to these ethics. Accomplishment has been within my grasp and slipped through my fingers, but I'm assured it will not get away from me again. I've demonstrated a knack for conceptualizing what is important in today's business and strengthened these core values. If given the opportunity, I can be trained, reshaped and remodeled into the ultimate business man for your company.

This is sure to Wow any future employers.

The Yinzer Chick

2010-01-08T07:16:00.000-08:00

I stopped by a local drinking establishment over the holiday break and knew immediately it was a mistake. I don't know why I go in these bars during the afternoons because this is when the older guys are sipping out of their tiny beer glasses. I know my type of crowd, if this is what I should even call them, won't be there until later in the evening. The problem is most people my age don't venture out until around 9 or 10 in the evening and this is when I want to be sitting on my couch, so I always walk in anyway and order a beer - knowing I'll wish I hadn't.

I ordered my beer next to some older gentlemen and started texting people my age to see if they wanted to hang out but everyone was busy. I tried to watch the bar's tv but it played some old western and I hate those old westerns. A bar visit in the afternoon around this place will often have you questioning why you even bother going out. It only makes you wish you were sitting on your couch, or dangling off the ledge of a skyscraper instead.

A couple of guys with hockey jerseys walked in and started talking about the Penguins. Great! This conversation should really get my mental juices flowing. These guys and the bartender were at least somewhat near my age so I eavesdropped on them to keep entertained for a while and it sure did.

The bartender, a typical yinzer girl - Pittsburgh sports gear, large jewelry, a penchant for the "F" word, and a self-proclaimed diva title - began talking about her love for seafood. Her boyfriend always takes her out for seafood no matter what the cost, I'm guessing Red Lobster.

"Yeah, he takes me to this place in Mt. Washington and the fish is so fucking good that you will never eat at Red Lobster again," she said.

Bingo! I had the chick pegged the minute the "F" bomb spewed from her mouth ten times in a matter of five minutes. I immediately sent a text to a few of my friends and quoted her exact words, you will never eat at Red Lobster again. Don't get me wrong, I love Red Lobster but everyone knows it is the poor man's nice restaurant so I don't know how you can compare any seafood restaurant to Red Lobster; it's like saying Bojangles has the best chicken you've ever tasted.

I counted backwards from ten, waiting for the Steelers talk to start immediately after the restaurant discussion ended.

"So I was out with all the Steelers last night," she began and I chuckled to myself, I'm sure this happened and one of them probably wanted to marry you.

"Najeh Davenport started talking to me and Santonio Holmes tried to sneak into the conversation," she continued as I continued to chug my beer. I needed out of the bar as fast as humanly possible.

I love these homely girls who think these players are out to "wife" them. I have come across at least 5 women who claim to have slept with Hines Ward and it's always the same bullshit.

I can't believe this is the herd of cattle men have to choose from around these parts. Places like Austin, San Diego, and DC get the prime beef and they send pigs assholes and lips to Pittsburgh so we can make hot dogs.

I know there are a lot of good women in Pittsburgh, but I don't think you'll find them at the local dive bars. You have to take dive bars for what they are and hope a good girl gets lost and staggers inside. Then try and kidnap her before another drunk takes notice and a huge fight ensues.

I drank one beer and went home.

And I know the women are thinking - look at the shit we get to choose from. It's like picking the cleanest turd.

Dreaming of David Bowie

2010-01-06T09:42:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and made my normal trip from the bedroom to the bathroom, half asleep as I remembered to lift the seat and aim for the water. I stood at the toilet and tried to piece together what just happened. Did I really have a dream about David Bowie? I tried to think, but not hard enough to wake myself from the zombie-like state. I wanted to be able to fall asleep again and didn't want any strenuous thinking to wake me from my stupor.

I exited the bathroom and noticed my girlfriend hadn't left for work and was standing in the kitchen. I stopped for a brief moment, confusion on my face and mumbled out something.

"We just had drinks with David Bowie in some German bar," I said, perplexed.

"Cool. I like David Bowie," she said.

I went back to bed and tried to meet up with David again but somehow I ended up with some adolescent thugs who were trying to beat my ass and take my girlfriend. Boy, how a dream can take a wrong turn if you take a timeout for a bathroom break.

I talked to my girlfriend later and asked, "Did I say something to you next to the bathroom this morning."

"Yeah, you said we had drinks with David Bowie and I said that's cool because I like David Bowie," she replied.

"What do you mean you like David Bowie? Do you find him attractive or something? If I remember correctly, I believe you were hitting on David Bowie in the dream," I said.

"It's your dream. I like his music but that doesn't mean I find him attractive," she replied.

I don't understand how David Bowie is making his way into my dreams. I don't like his music, besides his Little Drummer Boy with Bing Crosby, and he's a strange looking man, so why am I dreaming about David Bowie? I need to fall asleep with something different on the television.

Cases of wine for Christmas

2009-12-30T08:29:00.000-08:00

Christmas has come and gone and I think I did a pretty good job eating as many cookies as humanly possible. I did my normal gift shopping, buying a case of wine and handing out a bottle to everyone I cross paths with during the season. I was a little surprised by how many people didn't even want a bottle because they said they don't drink wine, even the recovering alcoholics were a little hesitant about taking one, but I reassured them one little bottle of wine never killed anyone.

"You don't drink wine?" I asked.

"No," they replied.

"And you call yourself a drinker, ugh!" I said in disgust, walking away with one more bottle to add to my collection.

I couldn't even believe people didn't even want to take a bottle to regift. My boss gave me a bottle of wine and I immediately placed it in a gift basket for my girlfriend.

"I regifted that," I said to my girlfriend, before she finished opening the rest of the gifts.

"You don't have to tell me you regifted things," she explained.

"Well, my boss gave me a better bottle than the original one I had planned for the basket and nothing is too good for my lady," I said.

"You're too good to me."

I think I did a pretty good job with presents this year. I had my mother out shopping for me months in advance, and I normally don't ask her to gift shop for me until Christmas is almost upon us. Sometimes an old dog can learn new tricks.

Oh, and I almost got arrested for shoplifting after the sales lady forgot to take the security device out of one of the presents I purchased. They stopped me at the door and I said, "This is because I'm a white man, isn't it?"

They let me go after a promise not to sue and the rest of the holidays went by without many surprises.

Fitting a Christmas tree in a car

2009-12-22T06:51:00.000-08:00

My girlfriend had been asking me to get a tree for weeks but I was reluctant because I knew it would be in the way and I'd have to step over pine needles for weeks. There was only one week left before Christmas and I knew I'd have to get one or face dire consequences, like no presents from Santa.

I planned to head out into the woods and climb to the top of a pine tree and cut out the top 4 or 5 feet of the tree. This way some property owner couldn't bitch about me taking their tree and I could say the strong winds must have snapped the top out of the tree and I was just making sure it didn't go to waste. How could a property owner prove someone climbed up their tree, plus, the tree would grow back.

I was saved from stealing a tree when Teddy Boy called and said his parents told me to stop by and take whatever tree I wanted from their tree farm.

It was Sunday morning, I was laying on the couch after a long Saturday night filled with Christmas parties. My girlfriend left and I knew this was my opportunity to surprise her. I jumped into my 2003 Honda Civic and headed out to the tree farm. As I pulled into the driveway, I spotted the perfect Christmas tree. It's not that the tree was anything spectacular but it was only 3 feet from the driveway and that's why it was the perfect tree. I didn't have to walk far to cut the tree down.

I grabbed the hand saw Teddy Boy's parents had sitting out on the porch and made my way over to the tree. I eyed up the tree and tried to decide if the tree was big enough for the apartment but small enough to fit in the back seat of my Honda. I didn't feel like tying the thing to the roof and my trunk was full of tree climbing equipment so putting it in there was not an option. The tree stood as tall as my chest and I decided I could probably strong arm the thing into the car.

I knelt down and began hacking away at the thing for a few minutes and wasn't making much progress.

"What in the hell are you doing, moron? You have a chainsaw in your truck," I said to myself, dusting snow from my body as I made my way over to the car.

I fired up the chainsaw, dropped the tree, dragged the thing to my car and was anxious to get out before neighbors came to see who was cutting down trees in the neighborhood. Plus, Teddy's parents said I could take a free tree and I didn't want neighbors accusing me of cutting and dashing, Local Man Arrested for Stealing Trees - Everyone Feeling Effects of Recession, papers would read.

I eyed up the tree and realized I'd made a crucial mistake. The tree was short enough for the back seat but I never took the width into consideration, men are taught all their lives it's all about length, and this was coming back to haunt me.

"You idiot! How are you going to get that thing into the back seat?" I thought.

There was only one way. I'd have to take it in one door by the trunk and pull it out the other by the trunk, so the branches could fold and not break. I set the trunk into the driver side back door and crawled through the passenger side back door. I pulled the thing as hard as I could because it was a really tight fit but it did fit.

"There! That's perfect. Now let's hope a cop doesn't see me driving home with pine branches filling up the entire inside of my car. I jumped in, leaned forward, and made my way home.

I got the tree home and set up before my girlfriend got home and she was very pleased that I had made an effort while she was away. She rewarded me with my very own beer mug ornament and it couldn't look better.

There is nothing like sitting on the couch, drinking a beer, and staring at a Christmas tree, especially one you cut down yourself.

skinny jean boys, America's new Cabbage Patch Kids

2009-12-14T11:04:00.000-08:00

The Creep called me the other day and the subject of skinny jeans came up in conversation. The Creep recently visited the mall and spoke of his anxiety attack and how he wishes he never came out of hiding.

"I should have stayed home. I don't know why I even tried to go to the mall. You should have seen the people at the mall. It's disgusting," he said.

"I never go to the mall. There's too many people I'd rather not see," I said.

"And the boys there are all dressed like women, wearing these skin tight jeans," he explained.

"So all the boys are wearing them," I asked.

"A lot of them," he said.

I've heard of this new fad sweeping America and it's a little confusing. So these boys are actually buying jeans that are tight? I own a pair of skinny jeans but it's only because I bought them a few years ago and they no longer fit, but I keep trying to wear them. They fit ok when I walk but my face gets red and I talk a little louder each time I sit down on a bar stool.

"My nuts are killing me," I'll say to my girlfriend.

"Stop wearing those tight jeans," she'll say.

I've worn skinny jeans out of cheapness and not of wanting to own a pair. I guess this is as weird as the Skids pants we wore in the late 80's, but those could at least be turned into sleepwear whenever the craze ended. I can't see a bunch of young boys lounging around in nut huggers in a few years.

Maybe the skinny jean craze is a French cloning experiment gone wrong or an elaborate attempt by the French to feminize our young men so America is safe enough for them to visit. Or maybe it's a unique new toy, created by some marketing genius for the young girls of America.

Daddy! Daddy! I want "skinny jean Eddie" for Christmas.

Ok, honey. Which one is he, the one with the earrings or the tight-fitting vest.

No, Daddy! He's the one that comes with a man bag.

Families can line up outside the shopping malls and pick out their skinny jean boy like a Christmas tree. You can strap him to the roof of the car and throw the accessory set in the backseat with the little girls.

These skinny jean boy toys are safe for minors. I've contacted the toy designer and she's assured me that no skinny jean boy comes with male parts and it's safe for little girls to change them out of one pair of skinny jeans and into another.

Helping the elderly around the holidays

2009-12-10T10:44:00.000-08:00

Everyday I go to work, punch the time clock, get my stuff ready for the night, walk to my car, get in and think of reasons why I shouldn't just leave and go home. This happens every single night. I sit and think of every reason I should stay and every reason I should go and the reasons to leave are coming dangerously close to reasons to stay.

I stare up at the overcast sky and wonder how many other people are thinking about the same exact thing at the same exact moment. People tell me I should be happy to have a job but I don't care what these people think because their probably the ones who have good paying jobs. My job sucks. It's not that hard but it doesn't pay shit and some of the city's homeless are probably scraping together almost the same amount of cash on a nightly basis.

I have enough money saved up to survive for 5 or 6 months but what happens if I can't find another job in this amount of time. I'd probably land at another meaningless job where they don't pay much and could care less about their employees. I think I need to move my job search out-of-state. Pittsburgh sucks unless you like working for $8 to $11 bucks an hour. The only way to get a good job around here is to know someone and these someones are reluctant to help you out for some reason.

I have a girlfriend now. The old Chad would have left this job long ago and headed out on the road, crashing on friends' couches across the land, but now I'm thinking for two. Jesus, growing up sucks. I'm 34 but I feel like I'm 18. Someone asked me yesterday if I'd ever considered playing semi-pro ball on the weekends and I thought this would be great, and I'd like to smash some people for the hell of it. Then I realized I'd probably be the oldest one on the team and I don't know if my body would heal as quickly as in my adolescent days. Maybe I should think about chess or checkers instead.

"Check mate, bitch!" I say, slamming the piece and scattering the rest into the lap of the 70 year old wheelchair-bound man. "Now wheel your ass down the hall and get Chester! I don't care if he's napping. Tell him not to make me kick his walker out from under him again."

Chess may be more my speed. I need to get a list of all the nursing homes in the area. It would be nice to bring some holiday cheer to the elderly

Living in a parallel universe

2009-12-09T04:55:00.000-08:00

I've been laying in bed for the past two hours. My girlfriend's alarm clock went off five times and she's finally off to work but I can't seem to sleep. I had a dream about being back in the Carolina's. I was in a bar with Pittsburgh friends and ran into a girl I used to date and she asked what happened to me and I wanted to say, "It's a long story and I don't really like you enough to explain." The alarm went off and rescued me from the dream. Now I can't fall back to sleep.

I keep wondering if I'm living in a parallel universe. I always start thinking this way when the weather turns to shit and forces me into thinking I've been sentenced to a winter purgatory. Is there a Chad out there who actually went to that Friday afternoon Chem lab and now lives in a tropical paradise? A Chad who didn't choose to go to the keg party and finished class like a good little boy? It probably doesn't matter because I did well in school and there's probably only one Chad who went to that class and a few hundred who chose the kegger. You know, one Chad left the class one minute in, one who left two minutes in, one who left three minutes in, and so on.

I should stop watching the Discovery Channel, especially shows about parallel universes because I keep thinking I'm surrounded by millions of Chads, each one who's made a different decision at critical moments in his life, even unimportant decisions at bizarre moments of his life. Maybe the one who forgot to put toilet paper on the seat at the public restroom and now walks around with an incurable rash on his ass.

Is there a Chad out there who actually gives a shit about the Steelers. Every time someone asks me if I heard what Hines Ward said about Big Ben I want to say, "No. Did one of them kill the other? I hope so and I hope the other got sentenced to life in prison so I don't ever have to hear about either ever again," and then I want to smack them in the face and say, "Are you still thinking about Big Ben?"

Maybe there's a small child in Africa wondering what it's like in Pittsburgh and whether or not he even knows what Pittsburgh is. If so, I'll switch him places for a while. I'll lead him out into the snow and lock the door behind him. I'll say, "That there burns your feet like sand but that white powder will steal a couple of those toes if we leave you out hear long enough. Now stop bitching about Africa."

I need to go back to bed. At least one Chad will go back to bed. There's another Chad who will walk out the door and drive to a tropical paradise, another who will go out and save a life, but I have a feeling I'm going to be the one who wakes up in the same bed in about 2 hours.

how to write a wedding thank you

2009-12-04T07:47:00.000-08:00

I didn't even notice the "thank you" note until the other day. Most of my mail ends up in a pile next to my computer and I often misplace important things. I just happened to notice the wedding "thank you" card from Trainwreck. I read it and couldn't stop laughing because I sometimes forget that he is 36 years old.

The proper way to write a wedding "Thank You" card.

Chad + Missy!

A big "Thank You" for your monetary wedding gift you gave to Megan + me. I wanted to use it to go see the new "Twilight" movie , but she said we had to put it towards our new bedding set! We are so happy you were able to share the day with us. Thanks for not eating all the cake Chad!

Love Brian and Megan

I sure hope my 36 year old friend was able to scrape together enough change to go see his teenage girl movie. I can picture him now, standing in line and giggling with all the other little girls.

Festering asses ruining seats

2009-11-24T08:28:00.000-08:00

Ugh! What is that smell. It hit me as I opened the door and my gagging could only be masked by the rain hitting the pavement behind me.

"God damn it!" I said into the neck of my jacket, as I tried to stop the assault on my nostrils.

This is the downfall of sharing vehicles with other men. Some of these men are on the larger end of nature's scale, bordering on the verge of bed restriction. I normally wade through fast food wrappers and crumbs to find the seat, but some things you can't clean. The smell is that of festering ass. It is a man's dirty ass sitting on the seat and driving, sweating, and farting for 8 hours a day.

I walk from the shop and back to the van, dumping window cleaner on the seat and trying to force it through the vinyl and into the foam. I take a car freshener and rub it across the seat as hard as I can, hoping to cause a spark and catch the van on fire, anything to end the smell.

I want to march into the office and say, "This is bullshit! I think this place needs to force its employees to wash their asses before they get into the vehicles. I can only hold my head out the window for so long, and winter's almost here."

Most people never think of this, but a vehicle's seat has just as many ass miles as the car itself. The work vans average about 150k to 200k miles and that is a lot of ass mileage. Some of the vehicles at my company get more ass than the desperate dudes in Pittsburgh.

The smell in the vehicles make me long for a virgin seat. One that hasn't been exposed to asses, whose own owners haven't even made contact with for years, because they can't reach that far.

This is war. Let's see how festering ass likes it when I start leaving my half eaten tuna sandwiches in inconspicuous locations. When I start dropping bits of tuna into the vents and waiting a few days for the stench to set in. These dudes probably won't even notice and they'll probably feel that it's an improvement.

I really need to get fired.

How would you like this driving your car seat around for 8 hours a day, unwashed?

How to Cook Babies for Dummies

2009-11-17T07:27:00.000-08:00

I watched a show on Neanderthals today and it was quite interesting. I was enraptured with the whole birthing process of the Neanderthals. The women stayed outside the cave, lying on whatever makeshift bed they could find, and pushing the extra large baby out of their larger than average birthing canal. Neanderthal babies were larger than today's babies, but not to worry because Neanderthal women had much larger hips, making it possible to pass a 5th grader through their bodies.

The men tended to the fire while the women tended to the expectant child and I heard every women in the world simultaneously say, "Typical Man!" and me thinking, someone has to make sure the fire doesn't go out or everyone will be cold. You wouldn't want to hold a babysicle for the first few hours.

Neanderthal woman then breastfeed for 5 years. 5 Years! Not so bad, but have you ever seen a Neanderthals teeth? They're like broken pieces of glass with serrated edges. I would have started a nipple replacement company if I lived with the Neanderthals, the world's first cosmetic clinic.

Then most children didn't even make it past the first few months because the adults would treat it like a piece of beef jerky and eat the thing before it grew up to eat them. It was the Neanderthals form of birth control so the small groups could survive. I could only imagine that today.

"Come on over. We haven't seen the new baby yet. We'll make dinner and catch up."

The proud new parents arrive to find a How to Cook Babies for Dummies book on the counter.

making hot chicks insecure and the gas station casanova

2009-11-12T22:15:00.000-08:00

I pumped gas and leaned onto the front seat of the work truck. I stood and pressed the Blackberry's buttons, taking the occasional sniff of my finger to catch some left over gas fumes, when a good looking girl pulled into the gas pump next to mine. I kept my back to her and continued on with my routine and fought the urge to turn around.

"You look cold," a man said.

"It's freezing out here," the girl replied.

Here we go. This guy thinks he's gonna pull some ass at the pumps. Give her the old weather line, pal - I thought to myself.

"I'm not cold. I think it's beautiful out here," he said.

Of course your not cold. I can smell the testosterone seeping out of your pores from over here.

"I'll take it for November," she replied.

"You look like a tough girl. You can handle the cold," he said, lamely.

This guy's got more lines than Studio 54. I'll bet he's banged 100's of chicks because of his suave gas station persona.

The man finished pumping gas and left, and I couldn't help but think his perfect closing percentage had been tarnished in my presence. He'll probably head back to his mother's basement and do something he's never does, sleep alone. I guess even Brad Pitt Strikes out.

"It's cold, huh?" she says.

I know she's turned her attention towards me but there's no way I can compete with the gas station Casanova, nor do I want to.

"I'm squeezing my ass cheeks over here," I said without looking back.

She asked me something else and I gave my best annoyed sigh and turned my head to the sky. I mumbled something and continued to shake my head back and forth, as if she was interrupting some very important events in my life. She said nothing more, got into her car, and left.

Now some people might think this was rude of me, but sometimes you have to keep hot chicks in check. It's guys like me that keep them from taking over the world. She'll probably go home and avoid eating for a few days but it will keep her out of the bars for a while and there will be one less mooching free drinks.

Akira Hareruya, the human punchbag

2009-11-11T09:33:00.000-08:00

They created Karate centuries ago, during the Ming Dynasty, and now the Japanese are at it again. In these tough economic times, Japanese are using innovation and fighting skills to put some extra ching in their pockets.

Akira Hareruya, a down on his luck electrical contractor, ran up exorbenant amounts of debt when his business took a turn for the worse. With debts exceeding 2 million dollars, the former boxer took to the streets of Tokyo to put his old boxing skills to use. For roughly $5 bucks for every ten minutes, Akira will let you beat the hell out of him and he will not retaliate. I've heard it is for women only, but I'm guessing petite men will also be allowed to give it a go with the ex-boxer.

I wonder how many American men are beaten in the streets by women and don't see a penny. Leave it to the Japanese to one up the Americans.

This is old news but I just heard about the guy again last night. I've heard he no longer gets beat and has now formed a theatre group. You can read about it on Seoul Times. It says it requires language install but it came out in English when I checked it out.

drinking beer improves workouts

2009-11-10T08:28:00.000-08:00

I don't know why but it's always been this way for me. There is something about my makeup that allows me to perform better, physically, after a night of drinking beer. I don't know if it's genetics or the fact I may be a little off my rocker. For as long as I can remember I've always exercised well after drinking a lot of beer. A lot of people will drink and then lay around on the couch all day and this is why people gain weight, but I always get up and go running after drinking. I've always felt you have a lot of unwanted guests (calories) hanging around in your body and you don't want them to become like the family members who don't get the hint and overstay their welcome.

I've been known to drink until 2 or 3 in the morning and then be out running long distances early in the morning. Maybe it's psychological and I just like the high that drinking and running bring. I ran my first 10k after a night of drinking and I had a really good time, but I did dehydrate faster than normal. Maybe the booze masks the pain of running long distances.

I drank beer Saturday night, drank about a gallon and a half of water on Sunday, then went for a 10 mile run on Monday morning. I did the run without stopping in an hour and a half and I felt great afterwards. The run could have gone longer if my legs didn't start tightening up so I stopped.

I wanted to text my girlfriend and tell her how good of a run I just had and wanted to say, I think it was those 16 ounce pounders I drank on Saturday night, but figured she didn't care about the relationship between my beer drinking and my exercise.

I'm curious if there is any scientific research on this subject and, if not, maybe I could offer my body up for research. I do it anyway so why not get some free beer out of it.

Rachel Christie (Miss England) vs. Sara Beverley Jones(Miss Manchester)

2009-11-06T07:57:00.000-08:00

It appears Miss England and Miss Manchester were getting busy exchanging blows while the rest of the world continued on living a real life - Read Here. The two were fighting over a gladiator, David McIntosh, who apparently dates Miss England, and eventually punched each other in the face. It is a shame they couldn't hold off and wait until we could put together a pay-per-view main event. The reality-tv-loving world would have paid big bucks to see this fight.

Let's get a look at the two fighters.

Rachel Christie
Height: 5'10"
Chest: 34B
Waist: 28
Hips: 30
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Age: 21

Sara Beverley Jones
Height: 5'4"
Chest: 34C
Waist: 22
Hips: 30
Hair: Blonde
Eyes:Green
Age: 24

Christie has the size but Jones definitely has the experience. It could be sold as Battle of the Beauty Queens, only one can take the crown.

stupid face and the Keebler elves

2009-11-04T21:59:00.000-08:00

I thought about quitting my job today. It's so monotonous and I feel like the days are mixing together like paint and it's shaping up to be one horrible portrait titled "A guy who hates what he's doing". The job is so easy but I feel like every day there is one day closer to the grave and I'm wasting time. Maybe I need a sabbatical or something along the lines of a brief retirement. Who knows, maybe I'll come back from my extended vacation and be a new man. I can see it now.

"I think I'm gonna take a leave of absence. This job is getting to me and I'm about to break," I tell my boss.

"But you've only been here 8 months," he says.

"Really? I feel like I'm going on 8 years. Maybe it's because I'm working so hard," I say.

"I don't think that's it," he says.

A coworker said something stupid to me today and I told him to go fuck himself and then I told him I was going to punch him in his stupid face. And his face is really stupid. I'll bet he was a breech baby. Mother nature probably thought the world needed preparation for what was to come.

I walked away and sat in the work truck. I opened my lunch box and found some cookies. I ate them one at a time and looked at the Keebler elves. My coworker owes his life to those elves and those cookies. Everyone at work picks on the guy but I usually ignore him because being him has to be rough enough, but I'm starting to have second thoughts. Maybe he deserves what he gets.

It's a good thing I didn't hit him. How could I dress as Jesus one day, and slug people in the face the next. Jesus probably had something to do with those cookies being in my lunch box. I guess Jesus wasn't ready to call "stupid face" home.

toughest dude on the planet - peter hammarstedt

2009-11-04T10:11:00.000-08:00

I love the show Whale Wars and I've written of it in the past - Here. Every time I watch the show, I love it even more and I think it's because of one guy, Peter Hammarstedt, the toughest dude on the planet. This guy should have won the award last year but somehow the media overlooked him. Now it's time to give the man his due. This is a brief synopsis of the kind of life the dude lives.

A fervent advocate for the rights of animals, Peter believes that in their capacity to suffer, animals are our equals. From the foreboding Labrador Coast to the treacherous Antarctic Continent, Peter has sailed the seven seas trying to put those words into action. He has saved as many live as as he can from illegal whaling, sealing and destructive fishing practices.

In his five years with Sea Shepherd, Peter has been held hostage by Ecuadorian fishermen; physically attacked by sealers; assaulted and arrested by the Canadian Coast Guard (twice); involved in a confrontation which included the side-swiping of an illegal whaling ship; been rammed by another; and pulled up countless miles of fishing long line. In the war to defend life in the oceans, this Swede is far from neutral.

And held captive for three hours by a large German Shepherd after falling into its yard. It is said he was sexually assaulted by the animal for over three hours, but he is reluctant to talk about it in interviews.

After reading the brief outline of his life, I think he should rightly be called Peter "The Hammer" Stedt.

"Some call them eco terrorists, some call them heroes, but we all call Peter...bad ass!"

Return of the Messiah - turning water into beer

2009-11-03T11:01:00.001-08:00

After my first Halloween costume was spoiled, I decided to purchase an outfit that I could wear more than once and get some use out of. My girlfriend asked when I planned to wear this other than Halloween and I explained how Jesus can show up at Christmas, Easter, graduation parties, weddings and so on.

"I need you to take some pictures of me turning this water into beer," I told my girlfriend.

She didn't look amused as she tried to watch tv and I continued to bother her to take pictures. She didn't understand the importance of the miracle I was about to perform, so she continued to ignore me.

"What if Jesus' disciples had acted in such a manner? The word of God wouldn't have made it very far," I said.

She turned around and took some quick pics and turned back around. "Your only moving the water and putting a bottle of beer in front of you. That's not much of a miracle," she said.

"But if you follow me around tonight, I'm going to make tons of beer disappear and that's truly a miracle," I explained.

"You look like one of the Doobie Brothers," she said.

role model for children

2009-11-02T10:57:00.000-08:00

I've always known one day I'd make a huge impression on the world and inspire others, but I can't believe it's happened so quickly. I was truly honored to find children across America dressing as the Broke But Still Drinking mascot for Halloween. I can't take credit for the hobo pic because I found it 3 years ago on Google pics, but I hope the personality I added to the character had something to do with it. I never asked to be a role model, but it's a job I plan to take very seriously.

Read Here

Now someone call work and tell them I'm not coming in today.

cheapest and easiest halloween costume ever- suspicious package at the door

2009-10-28T08:27:00.000-07:00

In these tough economic times everyone is scrambling to find an affordable Halloween costume for their kids and maybe even for the parents. Well, never fear because I'm going to provide you with the ultimate and cheapest costume you'll ever find and it's as easy as finding a local garbage dump, dumpster or neighbor who is in the process of moving.

You need to find a large cardboard box, one you are capable of fitting inside once your legs have been tucked beneath you. Once you have found your box, feel free to throw some packaging tape around it, smack it around a bit to give it a worn look, and throw on some shipping stickers; throw some Halloween ribbons on it if you're feeling extra creative

Your Halloween costume is now complete. Simply walk around the neighborhood, ring a doorbell, and duck inside your box. Your neighbors will appear at the door with a puzzled expression and may even drop their bowl of candy. Grab this candy and haul ass because there is a good chance the FBI will be called to investigate.

WARNING! I do not recommend this costume to be worn near public buildings, shopping malls or airport.

Buying a shrunken head

2009-10-27T09:50:00.000-07:00

Found this head on Flickr

I began arguing with someone about purchasing a human head and how it's not legal, but they insisted it was legal to buy a human head.

"Why in the hell would the U.S. ban Cuban cigars and let you go buy some dead guys shrunken head?" I protested.

"They're dead! You can do what you want with them. Why are you allowed to donate human organs?"

"This is completely unrelated! You are saving lives with human organs. What are you going to do with a shrunken head, hang it from your rear view mirror?"

I couldn't believe I was even having this conversation with such an idiot and became concerned when he continued to stare at my head, even when he continued talking, he couldn't remove his eyes from my head.

"Nothing like that, I'd use it for an ashtray or something."

I picked my baseball cap off the counter and placed it over my skull.

"Nice. Some poor guy is going to spend the rest of his days collecting cigarette ashes. I'll bet that wasn't his idea of the perfect afterlife," I said.

"Why does someone give a shit? At least he can sit in the middle of my table, watch hot chicks and be in the middle of parties. It's that or stare at dirt for the rest of your life."

I paused. "You make a valid point but when do you have hot chicks over to your place?"

He didn't answer and kept looking at my head.

"Stop looking at my head."

"Have you ever had any head injuries or any damaging blows to your skull?"

I picked up my things and said, "I'm outta here, and don't get any ideas about my head."

"Are you an organ donor?" He shouted as I left.

I decided to do a little research and it is, IN FACT, illegal to purchase a shrunken head.

Wikipedia - Since the 1940s, it has been illegal to import shrunken heads into the United States. In 1999, the National Museum of the American Indian repatriated the authentic shrunken heads in its collection to Ecuador. Most other countries have also banned the trade. Currently, replica shrunken heads are manufactured as curios for the tourist trade. These are made from leather and animal hides formed to resemble the originals. Replica shrunken heads, due to their provocative nature, are also popular in the hot rod culture, where they are often seen hanging from rear-view mirrors as ornaments.

Those of you who won't take no for an answer and absolutely must have a shrunken head to use as an ashtray, I found a website on how to make your own shrunken head.

http://www.shrinkheads.com/

things a woman shouldn't say

2009-10-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

I stopped in the bar last week and ordered a pizza to go. I decided to drink a couple beers while waiting because I didn't want to look like a stalker and stand behind someone while waiting, looking over their shoulder - "I see you went with the Italian hoagie, nice choice."

I minded my own business and paid little attention to the people around me. I placed my order and sipped my beer, trying to get my head within seeing distance of the television. A woman, dressed head to toe in Steelers gear, stepped up to the bar and yelled something about the game to the female bartender who had just taken my pizza order.

"What?" the female bartender asked.

"Are you ready for the game?" Her friend asked.

"I gotta stop at home first," the bartender responded.

"For what?" Her friend asked, noticeably excited to get to the game and drink until she didn't remember being at the game.

"I need to shit, shower and shave!" She yelled back.

It was a good thing I wasn't partaking in a conversation because I most likely would have puked in their lap. I struggled to hold down the puke so it didn't push out the mouthful of beer I had just swallowed.

Rewind! Rewind! Erase that from your memory...Erase that from your memory...You never heard her say that - I kept repeating over and over in my brain. I almost said, "You know what, I think I'm gonna just drink my lunch today and maybe have a couple of shots for dessert so I can forget this moment."

It was too late. My pizza arrived and I wondered if they had a working sanitary policy in place at the bar. I'd hate to know where those hands were before touching the pizza box. I started to think about how wrong that is to announce at the bar and began to think of worse case scenarios..

1. Walking into a strange woman's bathroom, after waking up in her bed, and asking where she keeps the clean towels. "Oh, look under the sink. They're next to my Herpes medication."

2. After sex, she starts to cry, "I knew I shouldn't have broken up with my old boyfriend. I'll never find anyone who can satisfy me like he did."

3. 18 years after your last spring break trip, a woman and a man taller than she are standing at your front door. "I raised him for 18 years, it's your turn!" she turns and walks away, leaving you face-to-face with a smaller version of you.

4. "What are the handcuffs for?" You ask and the woman pushes you up against the car. "You're under arrest!"

I guess the shit, shower and shave isn't so bad.

Activities for sick children

2009-10-23T08:35:00.000-07:00

I read a post by a fellow blogger about fun activities for children - Read Here - and decided to weigh in with some of my own expert advice.

Kids are not as innocent as they look. There's a lot going on behind those cute little smiles and tiny faces. I know, I used to be one and they're not always thinking about toys and candy. They are constantly scheming and thinking of new ways to pull the wool over your eyes and get out of going to school: the fake cough, jumping up and down on the bed to work up a sweat for the imaginary fever, cutting off circulation to the legs and complaining of acute bouts of gout, the swine flu! Kids oinking and falling off their beds, yelling to their parents that they have swine flu.

You need to put these kids in check early. Sure, they can take off a day of school but they're not going to sit around playing video games and eating chicken soup. They're going to have to learn that life isn't all jump ropes, hula hoops, and football. You need to get the "man out" of these kids, even if you may be raising a little girl.

I have compiled a tiny list of things to do with your children if they are home sick from school.

Suggestions:

1. Gutters need cleaned? Who has smaller hands than a child and they are small enough that you can use only one hand to hold the ladder, the other can be used to hold a cup of coffee or a beer.

2. Car need vacuumed? I can't ever get my arm down the side of the seat for a proper vacuum but I know who can. That's right, a small child can reach down there and pick up loose particles. Make a game out of it. Tell them they can keep all the french fries and candy, a smaller version of the Easter egg hunt.

3. Closet need organized? An adult has to bend over and do a lot of ducking to get into the back of the closet but a kid can walk in there upright. Tell them you think you lost five bucks and it's somewhere under the dirty laundry. Have them remove the dirty clothes and put them into a laundry basket on the way out. Now don't disappoint the kids. Drop a penny or nickel in there to keep up their spirits.

These are just a few suggestions. You'll have to wait for my book "Your Kid Will Never Miss School Again" to come out.

zach galifianakis halloween costume

2009-10-22T10:19:00.001-07:00

Fucking MTV! Why in the hell do you go and write an article about a potential Halloween costume? Read Here

I've been growing this stupid beard for two weeks now because I wanted a Halloween costume that would be cheap and I figured Paul Bunyan, but decided the character from the Hangover movie would be funnier and just as cheap.

So MTV goes and writes an article about the costume and now the world will be saturated with these costumes. What a bunch of idiots!

I'm not saying some people didn't already have this idea but you just made Halloween shopping a lot easier for people with beards.

Now what am I going to do with this stupid beard?

Why West Virginia gets a bad reputation

2009-10-21T07:17:00.001-07:00

My job takes me to some very secluded areas late at night and some just happen to be located in the woods of West Virginia. I know, West Virginia often gets a bad rap on this blog, but if you visited some of the areas I've been you might just say I've been taking it easy on them.

I pulled into the driveway of the auto store at around 1 o'clock in the morning and the few houses on the street all had their lights off and toys overflowing from their yards into the street. The auto store is more of a makeshift garage with a small homemade sign hanging from the roof. Most of these stores have drop boxes to leave the parts but this place is kind enough to make me enter its confines late at night.

I pushed open the door, slipped only my hand through the crack and searched for the light. I still hold to the same belief I had as a child, a monster is too stupid to recognize a solo hand and will quickly vanquish under the spell of lights. I flicked on the lights and tip-toed through the entrance. Normally I would just open the door, toss everything as far as I can, slam close the door and haul ass. I had some breakable pieces on me this night so I actually needed to step into the work shop and place things gently onto the floor.

Entering the garage, country music blares from the mounted television in the corner. This is very strange because nobody is there but yet the television continues playing throughout the night. The second thing to hit me is a potent smell which nearly chokes me. A strong cleaning agent of some sort fills the area as I choke for air. On the ground next to the door sat a green box labeled "Borax" and I know this is no ordinary cleaning agent. This is the kind of stuff used to strip meat from the bone, à la Jeffrey Dahmer style. Glancing around the room for large plastic buckets and garbage bags, I spotted something you're unlikely to see in any normal business. On a seat, inside a small tin bucket situated in the center of the room is a deer head.

"What the hell," I whisper under my breath and with intense speed, place all the items on the floor and haul ass out of the shop. I jump into the truck, throw it in reverse, and realize I need to get a picture of this anomaly.

I begin arguing with myself, "You'll be killed if you go back!"

"But it will be a great picture. What if I just stand in the doorway and snap the picture?"

"Ok, but I'm not waiting around if the occupants decide to return. Didn't you ever see the movie Wrong Turn. It took place in West Virginia and was based on a true story! You know they didn't find all those people? I got news for you, we just did!"

"I want to use it as a Christmas card."

"I'll wait in the car."

"That's impossible," I state and stop talking to myself.

I walk back towards the garage and stand in the doorway, it's the only entrance into the building and I'm not about to step inside. I try to zoom in and take the picture from a distance. I snap it and haul ass back to the truck.

The next day at work I mention what I found to the driver who used to have my route.

"You never met that guy?" He asked, laughing.

"No."

"Oh, you'd love him. He's a very unusual character. He invited me over to his place for some whiskey but I told him I was working. So he brings me an old mouth wash bottle filled with whiskey. I never drank it but it made a great fire starter," he said.

"It's a good thing you didn't drink the whiskey or I would have been staring at your head in the bucket," I responded.

And people wonder why West Virginia gets a bad rap. This is why I never tell anyone this is where my grandparents were born.

The pic came out bad because of my cowardice and lack of lighting.

American Idol Twins doing Britney Spears

2009-10-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know where we can find the proud father of John and Edward so we can get an interview?

House of the Devil Movie (2009)

2009-10-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

I normally don't do reviews but I feel I should save the world from wasting their money. I wish someone would have done the same for me before I wasted 10 bucks.

I browsed through Comcast's movie selection on Sunday and was surprised to find a movie called "The House of the Devil." The movie is set to be released in movie theatres in late October of 2009, but is available on demand for $9.99 for a limited time. Now I usually watch the free preview for these early releases, so I'm not lured into handing over my hard earned money without a glimpse as to what I'm buying, but this movie didn't have a free preview. I decided to do what every other person in the world does and I "Googled" the title and found that it received a 7.6 viewer rating out of 10 on IMBD. I also watched a 2:00 minute trailer on YouTube and it was enough to peek my interest and fork over ten bucks for an early premiere.

Don't waste your time with this movie. The two minute trailer floating around the Internet is the scariest thing about the movie. A brief synopsis: A college girl is moving into her own apartment and needs to come up with 300 dollars in a few days which leads me to ask, "Where in the world is this chick looking to move? With this kind of rent payment her problem might not be devil worshippers - she might want to be on the lookout for crack dealers and angry prostitutes looking for a quick fix."

You follow this chick around for the entire movie, like a really boring chick getting her own reality show, without the beer drinking and fighting that goes along with most reality shows. You follow her around a deserted college campus, a deserted town, and watch as she moves through a cast of barely watchable costars. She calls about a babysitting job and she finally goes to the house halfway through the movie, right about the time you're wondering if you should turn off the movie.

She gets to the house where she finds a peculiar couple living there. You suffer through more worthless dialogue and pray someone gets killed just to convince yourself it was worth the ten bucks you just spent. You continue to watch as she orders a pizza, puts toilet paper down on the seat so her ass doesn't get germs, and dances around the house. You continue to hear scary music every time she moves into another room but NOTHING EVER HAPPENS!

There is about 15 minutes left of the movie when she finally succumbs to some laced pizza and passes out. She wakes to find herself tied in the center of a pentagram and some bizarre creature performing a ritual on her as the people who hired her as a babysitter watch, dressed in devil worshipping clothes. Somehow, miraculously, she escapes and kills everyone on her way out of the house. She escapes to some graveyard where she is followed by the man who hired her and he begs her to stop and tries to convince her that she's been chosen for this higher purpose and he needs her. She then turns the gun on herself and shoots herself in the head, but SURVIVES! And the movie ends with her lying in a hospital bed. Oh, and she's pregnant at the end and nothing is ever explained. The movie just ends and I feel the ten dollars floating from my hands and into the hands of Comcast and I feel as though I'm the only loser on this night. The girl who shot herself got off easy.

If someone says this movie is scary, they're probably afraid of their own shadow.

pushing heterosexuality

2009-10-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

I don't have a problem with gay people. I know gay people and often times they're the best people I've ever met. They usually keep me entertained and keep me laughing for an entire evening. In fact, I just helped a gay couple move into the apartment down below ( a story for later). My only question to gay people is - why do you always have to let me know you're gay and push it in my face everywhere I go? I swear, every other tv show and magazine article is about gay people. I get it! You're gay. Good for you.

I picked up the Pittsburgh City Paper and all I see is gay stuff- arts festivals, movies and match making services. My question is - why don't you shove heterosexuality down the throats of every gay American?

I think I'm going to start promoting heterosexuality everywhere I go. If you're a gay couple, look out, because I'm about to heterosize you! I'm going to let you know how much I like banging chicks. How much I love the smell of a woman - her lips, her ass, her breasts, and everything else that a woman has to offer. I'm going to invite you over for an evening of unadulterated straight banging. I'm going to throw a hetero festival every other week and start a hetero tv network and have a hetero awareness week. I think we need hetero hate crime laws enacted because violence against "straights" is out of control.

For God sakes! I get it. You're gay and loving life but keep me out of it. I loved the show "Will and Grace" and agree with it winning numerous awards but does this mean I need reminded that Will and Jack are two gay men every day? Shit, I'll support you and do what you need but can you stop shoving homosexuality in my face? If not, I'm going to start posting pics of men leaning women over couches, chairs, fire hydrants, motorcycles and whatever other freaky shit heteros are into nowadays on every street corner.

How would you like me to replace the "Got Milk" posters with "Got Vagina" posters on every billboard, unless you are a lesbian, in which case this would completely backfire on me.

Ok. I'm done ranting. I had to get this off my chest.

Gay kegger at my place in an hour. Hope to see you all there. T-shirts optional.

Boy disappears in balloon

2009-10-15T12:30:00.000-07:00

Please be on the lookout for a 6 year old (son of Richard and Naomi Heene) and his balloon. Officials in Fort Collins, CO said a 6 year old boy disappeared on his balloon-powered aircraft and has not been seen since. The balloon is capable of reaching 10,000 feet. Read full story here!

My first question to his parents - Where in the hell did you get such a cool ass gift for your kid and will you adopt me? I think I got a big wheel when I was six.

Hopefully they rescue this kid and he gets the coolest story to share with friends for a long time to come. Every kid dreams of making a homemade balloon aircraft of some sort.

Starbucks newspaper policy and stealing chairs

2009-10-15T11:06:00.000-07:00

Is there a newspaper policy at Starbucks or are we just relying on human instinct and proper manners to dictate proper newspaper procedures? I was sitting at Starbucks, enjoying an overpriced cup of coffee, when my buddy slipped me a few sections of the newspaper he had just purchased. I paged through briefly, didn't see any interesting pictures and pushed the paper off to my side, maybe an inch or two away from my right arm.

We were talking and carrying on with some meaningless banter when a girl turned from her seat, which was a few chairs and at an angle from our chairs, and grabbed the paper next to my arm. She turned around and began enjoying my buddy's newspaper.

"What the fuck!" He whispered to me.

"Did you buy that paper?" I asked.

"Yeah!"

Now I know Starbucks usually has free papers floating around the store, but some of these papers are purchased with hard earned money and I don't think people should take it upon themselves to just take anything they want, even paper. Is this the kind of world we live in nowadays? Should I just help myself to things whenever I think they'd be better suited in my possession? I should have turned around, grabbed her purse, removed a piece of gum or chapstick and carried on with my day as if the purse belonged to me.

We left and went to my brother's hair salon. We sat and waited for his hair cut when a young girl came over and stood next to the chair where I was seated. She just stood and stared at me.

"Hello," I said.

She just smiled and murmured something and my buddy said, "I think she wants your seat."

Oh, by all means, I thought and moved so the young girl could take my seat.

"I'm outta here," I told my buddy.

I walked out of the salon and noticed Sidney Crosby sitting in the bar next door and his Land Rover parked out front. Maybe I should just help myself to his car since its just sitting there. It is my birthday and he isn't actually sitting in it.

How to avoid raccoon eyes

2009-10-13T11:23:00.001-07:00

I was at work yesterday and turned around to discover something rather disturbing.

"What in the hell happened to you? Please tell me 'if you think this is bad you should see the other guy' or something along those lines," I said.

My coworker looked like a raccoon who had just finished sucking on a grape popsicle. Two dark eyes squinting and big purple lips trying to muster a smile, but he was having trouble, the lips were taking up most of the blood from his brain as his eyes twitched back and forth.

"No, nothing like that," he said and continued, "me and a few buddies were out 4 wheeling and we hit a big hillside and my face slammed off the dashboard."

I slowly lost interest and half paid attention as he continued. I knew he was lying. The only thing his forehead hit off of was the cement after someone smashed him in the nose. I know what a straight shot to the nose looks like and very few thing leave the distinguishing marks of the raccoon, and it normally isn't the result of four wheeling.

Another coworker approached me after the assault victim hobbled away, raccoon tail tucked between his ass cheeks. "Yo! You know that was an ass beating, don't you?"

"Hell yeah, but if he wants to use the 4 wheeling story who am I to judge."

7 HOURS LATER

I received a direct connect on the company phone from the other driver I spoke with earlier in the day.

"Yo! I got your boy to confess but you can't tell anyone, or him, that I told you."

"I would never say I word. My word is my bond," I assured him.

"He said he and a buddy were out the other night partying in the city. He said whiskey and slap boxing were involved. I guess they did three shots of Wild Turkey and started slap boxing."

"Who the hell drinks Wild Turkey?" I asked, always concerned about the important things.

My coworker continued unimpeded: "I guess he accidentally smacked his boy in the chin and the next thing he remembers is waking up on his mom's couch and asking her why his face feels like he got his ass kicked and she told him, "Because you did get your ass kicked."

"Hahaha! So his boy kicked his ass?"

"I guess his "ex" boy now. He said he barely remembers walking home from the bar and a bunch of spectators filled him in on the ass kicking part because he didn't remember."

I couldn't stop laughing and asked, "How long were they drinking?" Once again, always a stickler for the important facts. A friend kicking your ass may be able to be overlooked depending on the extenuating circumstances and the amount of booze consumed.

"That's just it! He said they had three shots and three beers over a 3 or 4 hour period."

"What! You gotta be kidding me. That's uncalled for. They're a disgrace to real drinkers everywhere. If we could just keep this idiots out of the bar then we'd all be the better for it."

"I agree," he said.

I feel as though I should cheer up my coworker somehow. Maybe I'll tell him to look on the bright side, he doesn't need a Halloween costume this year. He can borrow his mother's fur coat and dress as a raccoon who can't hold his liquor.

If you want to avoid getting raccoon eyes, don't smack your buddy in the chin after drinking only 3 beers.

This article was dedicated to raccoon eyes everywhere.

unemployed alcoholics

2009-10-12T09:46:00.001-07:00

My girlfriend returned to the apartment on Saturday to find me in the middle of cleaning. I ran the sweeper, scrubbed the entire kitchen: stove, floors, burners, sink, and emptied the trash.

"Wow!" she said, as she found me in rare form.

"That's right. I'm just about finished up here and I better not see you making a mess of my clean kitchen," I replied.

"Hurry up, I'm hungry and want to dirty some dishes."

I gave her a look, letting her know that I meant business, even though there was nothing I could do even if she decided to make dishes, kind of like the little dog barking from behind the fence. "I'm finished up here so I'm going down to the beer distributor. Do you want anything?"

"No. I'm good."

"Ok. I'll be back in about a half hour."

On my way to the beer distributor my buddy called and asked if I wanted to meet him at the bar to watch some college football. I recommended we meet at the new bar down the street because it is within walking distance of both our apartments. He agreed and I realized I was about to get into some serious trouble with the little lady. She doesn't mind that I go out but certain friends of mine tend to overindulge and I often get caught up in the melee.

It wasn't more than 5 minutes of me walking into the bar and sitting down next to my buddy that he was ordering us two shots. He ordered two shots of Sambuca and I protested that I only cam out for a couple beers and told my girlfriend I'd be back before halftime.

"Dude. It's my birthday tomorrow and yours is next week so don't tell me you're not doing a shot with me," he said.

"I didn't come out to get shitfaced. I want to have a couple of beers and go home," I said but knew this argument was worthless. It never works. People always say, tell him you don't want any shots, but they don't understand the constant harassment and name calling you'll endure. I could see if it was for a minute or two but people around here are relentless if you tell them you're not going to do a shot with them. It's as if you're spitting on a family member's grave if you tell them you don't want a shot and this is why I find myself staying home nowadays instead of enduring the relentless catcalls of "You Pussy!"

"Ok, I'll do one but that's it."

We took the shots and my buddy immediately ordered another round from the bartender. He informed her we'd both be turning 34 in the following week and she said she could only wish she was turning 34 again. She informed us she was nearing 50 and my buddy assured her she didn't look anywhere near her age and that he would still "do her" if she wanted. This brought a smile to her face and another two shots of Sambuca, overfilled and spilling onto the bar top.

"Seriously, I can't be getting shitfaced," I explained.

"Stop being a pussy! We only turn 34 once," he said and I realized he made a pretty valid point.

He ordered more shots. Once again I protested and he didn't even notice. I began to wonder if my friend was deaf in his left ear because he never heard my shouts of no.

"I'm paying so don't worry," he said.

"You mean the government's paying," I corrected.

"Obama. I love that son-of-a-bitch. He keeps extending my unemployment. I was worried that I'd have to go get a job but he just gave me another 20 weeks. I've been collecting for 2 years now."

"That's complete bullshit!" I said and he laughed.

He continued to tell me about all the people he knows who are collecting unemployment and working side jobs to make one hell of a living for themselves, while I continue to work a job I hate to make less money than the guys collecting unemployment and working for cash under-the-table. We have one hell of a welfare system going on in this country, but I digress before I get really pissed off.

We did 5 shots before the first half was even over and I knew I had to escape his grasps or I'd be waking up in a gutter. I told him I was heading home and he said he'd come along, I knew my girlfriend would love the fact I was moving the party to our place, especially since she was watching a movie on the couch.

She was out the door as soon as we arrived. She told me she was going shopping and I knew she left to keep herself from killing me and my friend. We continued to drink for a couple more hours and I told my friend, "You may have to go because I think she's really pissed at me."

"Ok. Ok. I'll call my buddy for a ride."

He called his buddy and before I knew it there were four of us drinking in the apartment when my girlfriend walked in and gave me a look. She said hello to everyone and went into the bedroom. My buddies knew it was time to go and left. The girlfriend's look and the fact I was barely keeping my eyes open was a sure sign the night was over.

My girlfriend told me to go to bed and sent me off to the bedroom. I made it, clothes thrown throughout the bedroom, boxers barely clinging to my ass, I shuffled under the sheets and hit the pillows. I knew there would be some explaining to do in the morning.

I am now on strict orders to avoid all shot-loving friends. I was able to remain somewhat unscathed do to the fact it was a b-day celebration.

No gas scam

2009-10-06T12:26:00.000-07:00

It was around 2:30 in the morning, I'd just finished up with work and barely coasted into the gas station on fumes. It's not that I don't have the money for gas, it's just the fact I find it a huge inconvenience to pull into a gas station and waste ten minutes of my life pumping gas. I always test the honesty of my gas gauge light each week and it seems to be working just fine - I can usually make it to and from work about 4 times after the orange warning light appears.

I paid the store clerk my ten bucks and walked to the pump. I never fill up because somehow I believe I am saving myself money by only spending in ten dollar increments, even though it is common knowledge that full tanks are more fuel efficient, I always opt for the quarter tank fill up.

I'm pumping my gas when a beat up van pulls into the parking lot and parks directly across from my fill station. The overweight black man steps from his car and begins a lazy walk in my direction.

Jesus Christ! I whisper to myself and look around me in hopes there is someone behind me he knows. But it's 2:30 in the morning and I won't be so lucky. Even at 2:30 in the morning I can't seem to escape from meaningless chatter with people I would rather believe do not exist.

"Hey buddy! I'm about 28 miles from home and I just coasted in on fumes," he says.

Join the club, I think to myself before allowing my brain to listen to the bullshit that is about to pour from the man's mouth.

"I don't have my wallet and have no way to pay for gas. Is there any way you can spare a couple bucks?"

Now I've been in this situation before. Actually, I've almost had an altercation in this exact same situation in North Carolina. I was filling my dump truck with gas when a man approached me with the exact same line. He told me how he ran out of gas and didn't have his wallet so I gave him a couple bucks. A few days later, at the same gas station, I saw the man using the line on some unsuspecting person who was filling gas and I yelled. "Hey! Do you have a problem with running out of gas in this area? What are the odds of that shit happening at the same gas station, on the same block, in the same week???" I yelled but he ignored me, so I walked over to the man and called him out as a scam artist and he yelled some expletives and scurried off. I had rescued someone that day, but I didn't feel like a hero, I was just doing my part as a super citizen. God doesn't like it when a person refuses the gifts he has been blessed with.

I didn't have it in me on this night to start an altercation. I know humans are the worst of God's creations but I try and see the best in everyone, even though most do not deserve it.

"I might have a buck on me," I said.

"A buck? That won't even get me started," he replied and I clenched my fist in my pocket and almost told him to go fuck himself, but restrained myself. I tried to think about what a Christian might do in this situation - molest him, make him feel guilty and steal all of his money - but decided to opt out of the Catholic decision and just donate the four dollars to his cause, whatever it may be.

"Thank you, brother!" he said and walked off to the gas station.

I finished filling my car, thinking the whole time that I need to start using all of my money for gas and then I can avoid these situations all together, "Sorry, bro! Got no's money."

I drove away and the whole time kept thinking about whether or not I had just been taken for 4 bucks and it was eating at me. That asshole better be getting gas with that money and not smokes, I said to the ceiling of my car, my way of speaking to the good Lord.

Just in case you encounter this man in the Pittsburgh area, don't be a sucker like me.

Suspect Description
-Black Male in late twenties or early thirties.
-About 2000 Twinkies overweight
-Driving a beat up late model caravan (burgundy in color)
-Suspect appears very docile but may become enraged upon hearing of only a one dollar donation.
-Likes to call people "Bro" which I'm assuming is short for sucker.

Walmart baby slappers

2009-09-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

Have you ever visited a Walmart and had the pleasure of being greeted by one of their elderly folks? The cute little people who smile and clutch their canes as they gleefully greet each and every shopper. They bring a smile and bring joy to the lives of complete strangers on a daily basis.

With the huge success of the smiling folks, a Walmart in Georgia is testing out their new baby slappers. That's right, just recently added, disgruntled older folks will be walking the aisles and searching out crying toddlers. When toddlers refuse to be quiet, an older man or women will smack your baby into silence.

The baby slappers have brought about mixed review. Some folks enjoy the new silence the slappers bring but others aren't so sure they want their babies manhandled by complete strangers. I'm hoping Pittsburgh adds the baby slappers soon.

Russell crowe bike duel video

2009-09-03T23:11:00.000-07:00

Australian gossip columnist, Annette Sharp, caught Russell Crowe out biking and then stopping to down some tacos and cigarettes. She then went on to write about him being fat and out-of-shape. After hearing of the news, Russell Crowe challenged Annette Sharp to a bike duel.

BIKE DUEL VIDEO

Immediately afterward, he challenged her to a taco eating contest.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's necrophilia ban creates unclaimed bodies in LA

2009-09-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

It is not surprising, with the state of the economy, that numerous bodies are going unclaimed in the morgues of Los Angeles and surrounding counties. With the cost continuing to rise for burial services and cremation, families are opting to let bodies go unclaimed instead of forking out large quantities of money they don't have.

From the LA Times

By Molly Hennessy-Fiske July 21, 2009

The poor economy is taking a toll even on the dead, with an increasing number of bodies in Los Angeles County going unclaimed by families who cannot afford to bury or cremate their loved ones.

At the county coroner's office -- which handles homicides and other suspicious deaths -- 36% more cremations were done at taxpayers' expense in the last fiscal year over the previous year, from 525 to 712.

The county morgue, which is responsible for the indigent and others who go unclaimed, saw a 25% increase in cremations in the first half of this year over the same period a year ago, rising to 680 from 545.

It so happens this problem comes only 5 years after Arnold Schwarzenegger pushed to outlaw necrophilia, making it illegal in California to have sex with a corpse - punishable by up to 8 years in prison.

California's fallen on tough times and the governor's made it clear that he is open to suggestions on cleaning up the state. Just recently he took the advice of students and decided to autograph different items and auction them off at a large, state garage sale. The sale, considered a moderate success, netting a million dollars, does little to chip away at the state's 20 billion deficit.

A student at one of the state's universities suggested the necrophilia ban be lifted until unclaimed bodies can be removed from the overcrowded morgues. Just another way to save some taxpayer dollars. This raises some concerns for health officials because not all bodies are deceased, some are in unconscious or comatose states when arriving at the morgues. When asked how he would handle the situation, Schwarenegger responded, "If it bleeds, we'll kill it."

Macaulay culkin fathers a blanket

2009-09-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

Macaulay Culkin is denying rumors that he fathered a blanket. He says the claims are "rubbish" but I'm not so sure. I see striking similarities between the two. Skin pigmentation is difficult to dismiss and the two are strikingly similar.

Bear Society or Gay Bear Society

2009-09-01T06:52:00.001-07:00

My company issued work uniforms last week. Something I was completely opposed to because I deliver stuff at night and nobody sees me, but quickly changed my mind when I found I'd be receiving 10 new pairs of pants and 10 shirts which would be picked up and cleaned each week; Christmas came early in Pittsburgh this year. My wardrobe hasn't seen that type of increase since an old friend gained weight and outgrew his own wardrobe.

I don't mind the new outfits but I've got a problem with the shorts. They're really small and I closely resemble the crocodile hunter, Steve Irwin, when wearing them. I tried them on and got tired of picking cloth out of my ass and decided never to wear them again. I discarded them into the new lockers and decided they'd seen their final days at the company.

Yesterday, I walked into the office and discovered a large man standing next to my orders. He stood with a cluster of uniforms and a measuring stick and he eyeballed me. I could barely concentrate on the man because I couldn't stop staring at the hairs trying to escape from his back through the neck of his collar.

"Please tell me your uniforms fit?" He was obviously here to correct the mistakes of his company.

I paused..."Well, I don't mind the long pants. They drag on the bottom of my feet a bit but I'm hoping to grow a couple of inches this week. I've got my fingers crossed."

"They'll shrink. How about the shorts?" he asked.

"Yeah! What the hell's going on there. Can I get some more cloth added?"

"What's wrong with them?"

"What do you mean? A high school principal would send a girl home for wearing them, let alone a straight male."

"We issued your company the long pair."

"Wow! I'd hate to see the short ones," I said. "Every thing's fine," I added and began to walk away.

The tailor watched me walked towards the time cards and then turned his attention towards a larger man in our office.

"Hey, you're a burly man. I hope you don't mind me asking you this, but have you ever heard of the Bear Society?"

I stopped in my tracks because, don't ask me how, but I have heard of the Bear Society and I wanted in on this conversation.

"The what?" my coworker asked.

"The Bear Society," the man added and continued,"It's a group of large men who have a bunch of groupies who follow them around and try to have sex with them. It's a fetish for these skinny guys to have a big man to love. The skinny guys are called cubs."

My coworker laughed and said he'd never heard of such a thing and I chimed in, "I've seen that shit on tv before. I saw this big fat dude, I mean enormous, with all these little average looking dudes hanging around him. It was some special on HBO or something."

"So you've heard of it?"

"Yeah, I've heard of it but that's all!" I made myself clear to this big polar bear eyeballing me like a fresh piece of salmon.

"I was down at Double Wide in the the South Side last week and had some little dude grabbed onto my shorts, telling me 'I really like those shorts, big boy' and I didn't know whether to hug him or punch him," the tailor said.

I was saddened by this news because I always enjoyed eating at the Double Wide but now I may have to rule it out because it's a prime mating area for polar bears. I shuffled out the door before the conversation got any weirder. I grabbed my privates and immediately knew why we were issued such short shorts and then I thanked God for not telling the man I needed remeasured.

I walked into the warehouse and stopped next to a smaller employee, "Hey, that dude inside wants to see you."

Poor little cub doesn't know any better.

Do you think I'm making this stuff up? I really hope a parent doesn't come across this while shopping for a child's present.

Northwest Bears - A social and service organization to provide a focal point within the gay community for bears, cubs and trappers, based in Seattle, Washington.

Junction City Teddy Bears - A social, recreational service club throughout Northeast Kansas. Includes future event plans and past event photographs.

Bears of the West- Member profiles, events schedule, and photographs of a Phoenix based club

Inside Bear - INSIDE Bear is the lifestyle magazine for men featuring articles, news, reviews, artwork, photography, opinions, philosophy, design from bear men like you.

Looking to host a bear event? Please contact the Westboro Baptist Church at God Hates Fags.

Mischa Barton blames teeth and they blame her back

2009-08-31T11:32:00.001-07:00

Mischa Barton has blamed her wisdom teeth for her bloated appearance and now her teeth have broken their silence.

Celtic Thunder - Take me home

2009-08-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

It is Saturday night, or early Sunday morning, and I'm totally shitfaced as I write this. Am I the only guy in America who turns on Celtic Thunder and listens to this stuff when they are really drunk? My girlfriend is sleeping in the other room and I keep turning down the volume so she doesn't hear what's going on in the living room. I'm not cheating on her or anything, unless listening to young Irish men playing the flute while dancing with red headed chicks is considered cheating, but this stuff really gets me glued to the TV. It makes me wish I lived in Ireland and then it makes me think I need to get a life. Do young Irish boys watch "Gangland" and wish they were living in America and chasing the American dream of gang banging?

I'm fucked up and need to go to bed, or I need to get back to WQED and watch some badass Irishmen rip up the dance floor.

Late...

Tara Reid blames Coke for weight loss

2009-08-28T07:32:00.001-07:00

Before

After

And now Coca Cola is suing.

Jaycee Lee Dugard found

2009-08-27T11:23:00.001-07:00

I'm a huge fan of unsolved crime shows so this story really caught my attention. Jaycee Lee Dugard, who was kidnapped 18 years ago, mysteriously walked into a police station and claimed to be the missing girl.

Read Full Story

Suspect: Phillip Garrido

drunk sewing and avoiding IKEA

2009-08-11T10:58:00.000-07:00

I don't go out drinking as much as I did in the past, now that I'm living with a woman, not that I lived with men before. Well, I did, but it was in college and it was a completely heterosexual experience.

I spend much of my weekends sitting on the back porch, drinking beer, attending to my herb garden and reading books. So, a life filled with bars and single women has slowed down but, this doesn't mean I still can't have a good time. Take last weekend, for instance. The little lady and I decided to go to IKEA. NEVER go to IKEA on a Sunday unless you're heavily sedated. The children run about the stores like someone just toppled a hamster cage. They're everywhere and just as dirty. Oh, and let's not forget about the Asian families who treat the aisles like a picnic area. I've never seen ten people completely shut down an aisle, as if they were building their own little Great Wall right in the aisle of IKEA.

We spent twenty minutes in the store and it was nineteen minutes more than I needed. We picked up one item and it was the best part of the trip because the object stuck out from the dolly like a battering ram and I was hoping for a small child to walk away from the pack and into my direct path. I wasn't that lucky.

We got home and my girlfriend left for a while, so I decided to have Teddy Boy and Otis O'Flannigan over for some beers and to help build the dresser from IKEA. The dresser turned out ok, being the directions only came in English and Spanish, not drunk jackass. We managed to put the thing together and the dresser almost stood upright.

My friends left and my girlfriend returned. We decided to sit around, drink some beers and watch tv. What does any heterosexual male do when he has nothing to do on a Sunday night? That's right, I decided to sew a pair of my shorts.

"What are you doing?" my girlfriend asked as I removed the shorts I was wearing and began threading a needle, wearing only boxer shorts.

"I'm sewing," I answered.

Laughing, she said, "Aren't we domesticated?"

"I was driving the other day, went to scratch my privates, and my finger touched flesh and I realized I was touching my scrotum."

"Haha! Don't you wear boxers?"

"Yes but my finger must have snuck past the guards."

She was laughing and I interrupted, "I'll have you know I've been sewing since I was a young boy."

"Why would you be sewing at such a young age?"

"I was self-taught. I used to have a ton of teddy bears and I was a pretty rough little boy who happened to rip away their stuffed appendages."

"I don't know tough little boys with teddy bears."

"Well, you're looking at one. Anyway, my bears would just sit on my mother's sewing table, like they were in a waiting room at some socialized hospital and the doctor never came to see them. So, I either learned to sew or my teddy bears would be in the waiting room forever."

"You're so tough," she said and began laughing.

She can laugh all she wants because it was a perfect patch job and you can't even see the white thread on black shorts.

Contact Obama on health care

2009-08-11T09:44:00.000-07:00

I've been following Obama and his push for nationalized health care and nothing infuriates me more. If I were the people in the health care profession, I'd "boo" this guy out-of-town at every hospital he visits. Nothing would piss me off more than some know-it-all, who isn't even a doctor himself, trying to push national health care down their throats.

I've been doing tree work for a long time and I never had insurance. Could I have gotten insurance? You damn well better believe it but I didn't want to part with the money because I'm cheap. I argue with friends all the time and they say, "Some people can't afford insurance." My response is always, "Oh, you mean these same people who have a 200 dollar a month cable tv package and buy brand new big screen tv's who choose to buy things rather than insurance?"

Don't get me wrong, I can be a compassionate man and I believe in helping others, but the government isn't getting involved because they care about people, they are getting involved because there is money to be made. Anybody who thinks the government is out for their best interest, give me a call because I have a brand new stock, BBSD, I want to talk to you about.

Have you ever walked into a government run establishment and left saying, "How in the hell did that idiot get a management job? I know 5 year olds who are smarter."

I know everyone has felt this way at one time or another when they've met someone with a government job. Now imagine taking this same idiot and putting them at the front desk of you local doctor's office.

Don't think because people don't want national health care they are some inconsiderate bastard who walks on the poor. I'm poor and I don't want the government running anymore shit into the ground. Oh, how about all those post offices? They're doing great!

Contact the White House

My letter:

I think you and your government need to stay out of the health industry. You people ruin everything you touch. I have been doing manual labor for the past 10 years, WITHOUT INSURANCE, and I'm not bitching. Here's an idea, defend our borders, keep your mouths shut and stay out of our lives.

This is what you can expect when the government starts doing face lifts.

Russian Moobs

2009-08-07T07:44:00.000-07:00

Moobs - n: the flabby breasts of a man. (from Urban dictionary, the most reliable dictionary on the web)

Fat men and overweight boys everywhere can put down those weights and tuck away those dusty diet books because it's official, moobs are in. Russian president, Vladimir Putin, was recently photographed, shirtless, horseback riding in Siberia.

I stopped a woman in the street and showed her a picture of this shirtless polar bear.

"What do you think?"

"Mmm Hmm! I think he looks sexy. If you got B cups, don't be afraid to show them off, boy. You go Vladi!" she said and took and extra long stare.

I stopped to feel my own chest and realized I'm not going to be the talk of the swimming pools unless I get these things fattened up.

Now I know Putin reads this blog and I just want to let him know , it's only a joke. Please don't pull a Alexander Litvinenko on me and serve me Polonium tea.

He better hope that horse doesn't mistake that moob for an apple.

George Sodini Diary

2009-08-05T08:32:00.000-07:00

I haven't been on the blog in some time but I"ve been browsing the internet looking for some info on the crazy gunman in Bridgeville, PA. Apparently the guy kept a diary and I managed to get the info before the website crashed. Wow! This guy was crazy.

HIS DIARY
George Sodini
Age 48.
DOB 9/30/1960
DOD 8/4/20095-10, 155 lbs.
Never married.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania USA

Why do this?? To young girls? Just read below. I kept a running log that includes my thoughts and actions, after I saw this project was going to drag on.

November 5, 2008: Planned to do this in the summer but figure to stick around to see the election outcome. This particular one got so much attention and I was just curious. Not like I give a flying fcuk who won, since this exit plan was already planned. Good luck to Obama! He will be successful. The liberal media LOVES him. Amerika has chosen The Black Man. Good! In light of this I got ideas outside of Obama’s plans for the economy and such. Here it is: Every black man should get a young white girl hoe to hone up on. Kinda a reverse indentured servitude thing. Long ago, many a older white male landowner had a young Negro wench girl for his desires. Bout’ time tables are turned on that shit. Besides, dem young white hoez dig da bruthrs! LOL. More so than they dig the white dudes! Every daddy know when he sends his little girl to college, she be bangin a bruthr real good. I saw it. “Not my little girl”, daddy says! (Yeah right!!) Black dudes have thier choice of best white hoez. You do the math, there are enough young white so all the brothers can each have one for 3 or 6 months or so.

December 22, 2008: Time is moving along. Planned to have this done already. I will just keep a running log here as time passes. Many of the young girls here look so beautiful as to not be human, very edible. After joining this gym, started lifting weights and like it. Much info about weight programs, diet etc on the web. Or anything for that matter. Instead of TV I can Google for hours to relax. TV and most movies are dull.

December 24, 2008:Moving into Christmas again. No girlfriend since 1984, last Christmas with Pam was in 1983. Who knows why. I am not ugly or too weird. No sex since July 1990 either (I was 29). No shit! Over eighteen years ago. And did it maybe only 50-75 times in my life. Getting to think that a woman now would just, uh, get in the way of things. Isolated. I have extra money and enjoy traveling, too, wtih my 25-30 days of vacation. LA was the best! But going alone is not too fun. Invited to a party on Christmas day tomorrow. Seems about 15-25 people will actually show. I like her parties; I can meet new people and talk. Got the next 8 days off. I should have exit plan done and practiced by then. I know nothing will change, no matter how hard I try or what goals I set.

December 28, 2008:Glad I stayed around. All these days off are great. I will shoot for Tuesday, January 6, 2009, at maybe 8:15. I have list of to-do items to make.

December 29, 2008:Just got back from tanning, been doing this for a while. No gym today, my elbow is sore again. I actually look good. I dress good, am clean-shaven, bathe, touch of cologne – yet 30 million women rejected me – over an 18 or 25-year period. That is how I see it. Thirty million is my rough guesstimate of how many desirable single women there are. A man needs a woman for confidence. He gets a boost on the job, career, with other men, and everywhere else when he knows inside he has someone to spend the night with and who is also a friend. This type of life I see is a closed world with me specifically and totally excluded. Every other guy does this successfully to a degree. Flying solo for many years is a destroyer. Yet many people say I am easy to get along with, etc. Looking back, I owe nothing to desirable females who ask for anything, except for basic courtesy – usually. Looking back over everything, what bothers me most is the inability to work towards whatever change I choose.

December 30, 2008: While driving I radio surfed to a talk show. The caller was a 30ish black man who was describing the despair in certain black communities. According to him, life is cheap there because you are going to die anyway when you get old. It is the quality of life that is important, he said. If you know the past 40 years were crappy, why live another 30 crappy years then die? His point was they engage in dangerous behavior which tends to shorten the lifespans, to die now and avoid the next 30 crappy years, using my example. The host got sarcastic and ended the call instead of trying understanding his point. Agreement wasn’t necesary. I put music back on. But it was an interesting, and useful point for me to hear.

December 31, 2008:My anger and rage is largely gone since I began lifting weights. Lifting drains me but I still have energy. Somebody else suggested running but that did not help me. I guess strenuous exercise is necesary for a man. So I just learned that now at 48. Maybe 30 years later than I would have liked. My dad never (not once) talked to me or asked about my life’s details and tell me what he knew. He was just a useless sperm doner. Don’t know why, find it fun talking to young kids when I visit someone. Brother was actually counter-productive and would try to embarase me or discourage my efferts when persuing things, esp girls early on (teen years). Useless bully. Result is I am learning basics by trial and error in my 40s, followed by discuragement. Seems odd, but thats true. Writing all this is helping me justify my plan and to see the futility of continuing. Too embarassed to tell anyone this, at almost 50 one is expected to just know these things.I hope it doesn’t snow on Tuesday. Just thought of that. The crowd will be thin so I would postpone. Shit!

Now that I am on the topic of family and people I know, I might as well make a summary of sorts to show where things stand. This is New Years Eve I have time, no date tonight of course, so:

Honorable mention:

Tetelestai Church in Pittsburgh, PA – “Be Ye Holy, even as I have been Ye holy! Thus saith the lord thy God!”, as pastor Rick Knapp would proclaim. Holy shit, religion is a waste. But this guy teaches (and convinced me) you can commit mass murder then still go to heaven. Ask him. Call him at (724) 325-2655. If no answer there, he should still live at 439 9th Street, Oakmont, PA 15139. In any case, guilt and fear kept me there 13 long years until Nov 2006. I think his crap did the most damage. Their web site: http://www.tetelestai.org/.

Mum – The Central Boss. 717 Highview Road, Pgh PA 15234. Don’t piss her off or she will be mad and vindictive for years. She actually thinks she’s normal. Very dominant. Her way and only her way with no flexibility toward everyone in the household. A power and control thing. People outside the immediate family like her. Why are people vicious with their closest ones? She is the Boss above all other Bosses.

Michael – A Boss, my brother (Mike) – Always the big bully, twice the size of most others. When he bullied or harassed someone, it was the other person who “deserved it”. It was always about him. Way to self absorbed, too. Still is. Used to like to embarrass guys in front of their girlfriends. Lots of other shit. Kind of guy you actually loved to hate. The biggest, most self-centered jagoff I know. He took those bullying “skills” into the business world and is doing good financially. He is a big wheel only in his mind. Most people can see thru all his manipulation. He calls only when he wants something.

Sherry – sister – More of a victim than anything. Copes by exercising much control over her adult children. We used to be close until her control of L & D caused a conflict. Never the same after.

David – neph, sis’s son (girlfriend Mallory Squires). Good young guy, though.

Lisa – niece, sis’s daught. Attractive, smart, emotional – all good YW qualities.

Idiots:

Andy – I have been in barrooms and church groups. The worst people by far are the religious types. Especially a right-wing, stiff-faced fundie like Andy. A condescending, demeaning, passive-aggresive person. Frigid, rigid, linear and totally inflexible. Being a very serious person, he cannot hide his frown-lined face. He better not try to smile; lest his face might crack. I knew children of parents who grew up in strict religious homes. Religion has a certain stink to it of guilt, shame, fear, and that moral standard that always contradicts the natural tendencies and desires of a person. Therin lies the conflict. Young person cannot experiment with things to decide on their own and establish their own parameters. So they tend to cut loose and really rebel much worse than the average young person. Ma and Pa never know what goes on. They easily BS their parents because they want to believe their little one is an angel. Andy has a young daughter Bethany away at college, High Point University. I saw her picture on his desk. She’s your basic, attractive, young girl. Please reread my entry made on Nov 5th. That’s only one thing she can do. You Andy types out there need to further strengthen your strict resolve and do more of the same thing! Because those girls were great when I recall my college years! She is someone’s (or many guy’s) little hoe now, I am sure.

Another point about andy. How can someone be cold, vicious, sarcastic and generally nasty ALL THE TIME and then make the claim about their church life and how good they are? Total hypocritical idiots.

That’s all for now. That felt good.

January 5, 2009:Was at the gym to lift. Very crowded. Tomorrow should be good. There is a woman there that gives me a certain look every time I am there. I decided to walk over and make a comment about the crowds but she left when I finished the exercise. Better that I do not get sidetracked from tomorrow’s plan anyways. Life is just playing games. One or two dates with her, then the end. No matter how many changes I try to make, things stay the same. Every evening I am alone, and then go to bed alone. Young women were brutal when I was younger, now they aren’t as much, probably because they just see me just as another old man.I see twenty something couples everywhere. I see a twenty something guy with a nice twentyish young women. I think those years slipped right by for me. Why should I continue another 20+ years alone? I will just work, come home, eat, maybe do something, then go to bed (alone) for the next day of the same thing. This is the Auschwitz Syndrome, to be in serious pain so long one thinks it is normal. I cannot wait for tomorrow!

January 6, 2009:I can do this. Leaving work today, I felt like a zombie – just going thru the motions. Get on the bus, get the car, drive home…..My mind is screwed up anymore, I can’t concentrate at work or think at all.This log is not detailed. It is only for confidence to do this. The future holds even less than what I have today.It is 6:40pm, about hour and a half to go. God have mercy. I wish life could be better for all and the crazy world can somehow run smoother. I wish I had answers. Bye.

It is 8:45PM: I chickened out! Shit! I brought the loaded guns, everything. Hell!

April 24, 2009:Early last month, we had our second general layoff. I survived. First one was in November. When I began 10 years ago, that used to be a nice place to work. I understand the need to reduce staff when times sour, but this is out of proportion to the economic problems at this time. The economy is shrinking by about 4-5%. They decided not to pay Christmas bonus – for staff that amounts to about 8% of yearly pay. Well, OK. Plus no yearly “merit” raise, another 3.5%. That totals to about 11% cut. Plus two layoffs of 5% staff in each case. Do the math. I know this firm is using this downturn as an excuse to take advanage of a bad situation and kill jobs UNNECESSARILY. The second layoff people who actually did work were let go. We all need to pick up the slack so the company can cut beyond what is necesary. Wasn’t going to mention it, because of all this shit, it is K&L Gates, the large law firm headquartered here in Pittsburgh. Just call it K&L Gates Corporation. Most people there are OK and I would never have a shoot ‘em up there. They paid me for 10 years, so far!

I predict I won’t survive the next layoff. That is when there is no point to continue. RIght now, life is bearable and I can get by indefinitely. Something bad must happen. The paycheck is all I have left. The future holds nothing for me. Twenty five years of nothing fun. I never even spent one weekend with a girl in my life, even at my own place. Also unlikely to find another similar job. I guess then is when I take care of things. I don’t have kids, close friends or anything. Just me here. If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose.

I enjoy writing these entries, I have no plans to go back and edit or even read most stuff already written. If you get bored, just click that “x” at the top, right corner of your browser. Bye.

May 4, 2009:I was so eager to do this last year. The big problem on my mind now is that my job will end soon. One project is being transistioned to another. The other one I am solely responsible, but is being fast tracked to production. I estimate maybe a month. I am not ready for the job market. I am ok what I do, a .NET software developer. Not at the top of the class, but I do a good job. I survived two general layoffs and other little layoffs they are having but keeping quiet about. I hear things.

The problem is I feel too good now to do this but too bad to enjoy life. I know I will never enjoy life. This is an over 30 year trend. Some people are happy, some are miserable. It is difficult to live almost continuously feeling an undercurrent of fear, worry, discontentment and helplessness. I can talk and joke around and sound happy but under it all is something different that seems unchangable and a permanent part of my being. I need to realize the details of what I never accomplished in life and to be convinced the future is merely a continuation of the past – WHICH IT ALWAYS has been. I am making a list of items that will provide motivation to do the exit plan, it won’t be published. I always had hope that maybe things will improve especially if I make big attempts to change my life. I made many big changes in the past two years but everything is still the same. Life is over. Even though I look good, dress well, well groomed – nails, teeth, hair, etc. Who knows.

What is it like to be dead? I always think I am forgetting something, that’s one reason I postponed. Similar to when you leave to get in your car to go somewhere – you hesitate with a thought: “what am I forgetting?”. In this case, I cannot make a return trip!
I like to write and talk. Ironic because I haven’t met anybody recently (past 30 years) who I want to be close friends with OR who want to be close friends with me. I was always open to suggestions to what I am doing wrong, no brother or father (mine are useless) or close friend to nudge me and give it bluntly yet tactfully wtf I am doing wrong. A personal coach or someone who knows what he is doing would be perfect. Money is highly secondary for a solution.

May 5, 2009: To pull the exit plan off, it popped into my mind to just use some booze. I want to do this before I get laid off, for reasons not worth mentioning but don’t seem to have the balls. After the gym, I stopped at Shop N Save and got a fifth of vodka and a small bottle of Jack Daniels. I haven’t had a drink since September 1, 1988, just over 20 years. It doesn’t matter now, I need to use it to take the edge off of carrying out the exit plan. I will be taking some every now and then to get used to it and see if the alcohol effects will embolden me. Weed would be fun to try again. I don’t know who has any. Life is over, who cares? I just need to use common sense, can’t drink and drive, etc. This idea just hit me at a point in time and I immediately acted on it. Same thing happened when I decided to go back to Pitt full time, first day was Monday, May 8, 1989, and to buy the house that closed on Friday, September 30, 1996, to name two examples I remember so well.

The list idea yesterday is working. I carry it in my wallet and add to it. I am feeling to good to do carry this out, but too bad to enjoy ANYTHING. My life’s dilema.

May 6, 2009:I started the JD. About one ounce with some tea to get me started. No big deal.

May 7, 2009:Went to the gym and did mostly cardio. My heart rate was 117 just from walking on the treadmill at 3.4. This should be done a few times a week for maybe 15 mins or so to keep the heart active. I sprinted a few times to push the limits.

May 18, 2009: I actually had a date today. It was with a woman I met on the bus in March. We got together at Two PPG Place for lunch. The last date for me was May 1, 2008. Women just don’t like me. There are 30 million desirable women in the US (my estimate) and I cannot find one. Not one of them finds me attractive. I am looking at The List I made from my May 4th idea. I forgot about that for several days. That tells me where I stand. These problems have gotten worse over a 30 year period. I need to expect nothing from me or other people. All through the years I thought we had the ability to change ourselves – I guess that is incorrect. Looking at The List makes me realize how TOTALLY ALONE, a deeper word is ISOLATED, I am from all else.I no longer have any expectations of myself. I have no options because I cannot work toward and achieve even the smallest goals. That is, ABOVE ALL, what bothers me the most. Not to be able to work towards what I want in my life. I believe I am deserve that. I read recently it is called “self efficacy”, but who knows. Is that more psychobable?

May 25, 2009:I was invited to a picnic, and I went. An older woman there, out of the blue, asked if I liked high school. Then quickly asked if I was picked on very much. Intersting why she would ask that. But, thanks, I already know what the problem is, but a solution eludes me.

May 29, 2009:Another lonely Friday night, I’m done. This is too much.

June 2, 2009:Some people I was talking with believed I date a lot and get around with women. They think this because I showed an email I got from a hot woman to the department gossip, but it didn’t work out. All this is funny. Actually, I haven’t had sex since I was 29 years old, 19 years ago. That’s true.

June 5, 2009:I was reading several posts on different forums and it seems many teenage girls have sex frequently. One 16 year old does it usually three times a day with her boyfriend. So, err, after a month of that, this little hoe has had more sex than ME in my LIFE, and I am 48. One more reason. Thanks for nada, bitches! Bye.

July 4, 2009:Wow, already late evening. I stayed in all day. Can’t believe there was NOTHING to do today. No parties or picnics. WTF. No need to leave now.

July 20, 2009:Been a long time since last write. Everything still sucks. But I got a promotion and a raise, even in this shitty Obama ecomomy. No more grunt programming. Go figure! New boss is great. He tactfully says when you did something wrong or complements on good things. Never confused with him. But that is NOT what I want in life. I guess some of us were simply meant to walk a lonely path. I have slept alone for over 20 years. Last time I slept all night with a girlfriend it was 1982. Proof I am a total malfunction. Girls and women don’t even give me a second look ANYWHERE. There is something BLATANTLY wrong with me that NO goddam person will tell me what it is. Every person just wants to be fucking nice and say nice things to me. Flattery. Oh yeah, I am sure you can get a date anytime. You look good, etc. Pussies.Awwww, wait. I can just start being self-righteous and say I live a good, clean life. I am holy, that’s all Rick Knapp stuff. Hear that you mother fucker: I Am Just Good!

July 23, 2009: Wow!!

I just looked out my front window and saw a beautiful college-age girl leave Bob Fox’s house, across the street. I guess he got a good lay today. College girls are hoez. I masturbate.
Frequently. He is about 45 years old. She was a long haired, hot little hottie with a beautiful bod. I masturbate. Frequently. Some were simply meant to walk a lonely path in life. I don’t usually look out, but just happened to notice. Holy fuck. I have masturbated since age 13. Thanks, mum and brother (by blood alone). And dad, old man, for TOTALLY ignoring me through the years. All of you DEEPLY helped me be this way.

I wish I can go back to 1975 and fix things. Awe, that wont work, big BULLY BROTHER would assert his bull shit. He was twice my size. He never messed with guys bigger than 5′10, or so. He is a PUSSY at heart. Remember, Michael is my brother (we have common parents, that’s all) is still a BOSS. Repetition only for emphasis: HE IS ONLY A BULLY, even at 50ish! Never forget that! Because he exudes confidence. People believe bull shit if delivered WITH CONFIDENCE. Get it??

On the same thought, things occured to me today. Michael NEVER had an attractive girlfriend. Debbie, Barb, Kim, … then I lost track. Not to say I had any (execpt Pam, who was about a 7.25). He married a Chinese-descent, petite woman with no body, no ass, no chest and no personality. She never laughs or smiles, neither does he. But she is highly intelligent and an excellent cook. I can testify to that! She home bakes her own DELICIOUS wheat bread! But who cares about that type of small bull crap? Mike even mentioned when we were visiting dad that “she’s not very attractive”.

I don’t know where I am going with this. I am getting tired, feels good to write and get it all out.
On still another thought, I had 20+ years of sobriety and achieved nothing about friendships, girlfriends, guys, etc. Zilch. What a waste.
Bye, for today.

August 2, 2009: The biggest problem of all is not having relationships or friends, but not being able to achieve and acquire what I desire in those or many other areas. Everthing stays the same regardless of the effert I put in. If I had control over my life then I would be happier. But for about the past 30 years, I have not

August 3, 2009: I took off today, Monday, and tomorrow to practice my routine and make sure it is well polished. I need to work out every detail, there is only one shot. Also I need to be completely immersed into something before I can be successful. I haven’t had a drink since

Friday at about 2:30. Total effort needed. Tomorrow is the big day.

Unfortunately I talked to my neighbor today, who is very positive and upbeat. I need to remain focused and absorbed COMPLETELY. Last time I tried this, in January, I chickened out. Lets see how this new approach works.

Maybe soon, I will see God and Jesus. At least that is what I was told. Eternal life does NOT depend on works. If it did, we will all be in hell. Christ paid for EVERY sin, so how can I or you be judged BY GOD for a sin when the penalty was ALREADY paid. People judge but that does not matter. I was reading the Bible and The Integrity of God beginning yesterday, because soon I will see them.

I will try not to add anymore entries because this computer clicking distracts me.
Also, any of the “Practice Papers” left on my coffee table I used or the notes in my gym bag can be published freely. I will not be embarased, because, well, I will be dead. Some people like to study that stuff. Maybe all this will shed insight on why some people just cannot make things happen in their life, which can potentially benefit others.

Miscellaneous:

1. Probably 99% of the people who know me well don’t even think I was this crazy. Told by at least 100 girls/women over the years I was a “nice guy”. Not kidding.
2. Lee Ann Valdiserri had my baby in early 1991. Haven’t seen her since she was about four months into it. I knew her sister, Chris, from high school.
3. Net worth slightly more than $250K, (after all debt) as of end of 2008.
4. Death Lives!

© 2009 George SodiniThis should not be taken off the web. It is obviously my view and opinion.Reproduce this as you wish, in its entirity.**Copy this to usenet/newsgroups where my voice will speak forever!**Don’t modify it, you can correct my spelling errors, I used WordPad.Unless the names are required legally to be blotted out, then fine. Thanks.

What happened to the swine flu?

2009-06-24T12:06:00.001-07:00

What happened to the swine flu? This flu has the same work ethic as some of the change beggars on the street corners. I feel like I'm beneath a frozen wave and everyone keeps telling me I better get out of the way or else be swept away. I just carry on with my day and look up at the wave, saying, "Well, are you just gonna stand there and look stupid or are you going to unleash your fury? You know, the Black Plague makes you look like a pussy."

I can't believe the CDC labeled this thing a pandemic. Don't you have to cause bodily harm and take lives to be considered a pandemic? Alcohol induced stunts claim more people in a week than this thing has in months. Can't we somehow beef up this strain of swine flu and get it moving like a California forest fire?

Why am I rooting for the swine flu, you ask? I've always been a big believer that the world would be a lot better place with less people and I've been eyeing up some homes I'd like to own, and probably can't have unless the occupants succumb to swine flu.

Some will say, but you may become a victim of this pandemic, and I'm willing to take this chance. If 80% of the world is wiped out then there is a pretty good chance I will no longer be here, but there is also a 20% chance I'm going to get some pretty cool stuff when the flu subsides and goes back into hiding. I just hope it doesn't claim all the good people and I get stuck with the world's assholes, as if the very fact they were an asshole saved them from the flu. Imagine surviving the world's worst plague and then finding out you are living in a world filled with assholes, the very people I wanted gone in the first place.

I've thought this out and I need the following people to survive the plague: someone who is good with refrigeration and air conditioning, electrician, doctor, a pilot to fly me to exotic locations, and preferably a good sushi chef.

A message to the swine flu - Get your ass moving already. Come on!

Throwback Lemieux Jersey

2009-06-17T10:59:00.000-07:00

I received a text on Saturday from Fish: Call me! I have a good story.

Being one for a good story I decided to give Fish a call.

"What's up? I just got your text."

"XL stopped over my house the other day..."

"Hold on. Let me sit down for this because I love a good XL story."

"Ok, so XL stops over my place with a brand new throwback Lemieux jersey and a baby blue Sidney Crosby Jersey," he said.

Our friend, XL, loves sports memorabilia and he decorates his entire house with tiny sports dolls. He has been seen on numerous occasions barreling over small children at Toys R' Us to get the best sports figures before the children even know what hit them. He has also been spotted leaving the handicap stalls and rendering them unusable for a week or two.

Fish continued: "So he tells me he wants me to have Kelly get signatures on the jerseys so he can frame them and hang them in his house."

Kelly, the Fish man's wife, knows Mrs. Lemieux and is able to get signatures from time to time, but she won't go out of her way just to bother her for a signature. She'll only get them if there is already some sort of signing going on.

Fish continued: "XL tells me to get him some signatures but I tell him to ask Kelly himself because I don't really feel like doing it. XL tells me there is no rush on getting the signatures so I don't even bother with it for some time. So a week or two goes by and he calls to see if I got the jerseys signed and I tell him I thought there was no rush. He says, 'Well I'd like to get those things on the wall being the Pens are about to win the cup.' I tell him to relax and that I'll get the things signed."

"So, did you get them signed," I asked.

"Not exactly. I was watching game 7 on Friday night and I said to myself, 'If they win the cup, I'm going out to the bars.' The Pens end up winning the cup and I decided to head out to the bars, but I needed to sport some Penguins gear and I didn't have any."

"No! Don't tell me you wore one of the brand new shirts?"

Laughing, he said, "I threw on his throwback Lemieux jersey and rolled down to the Falcons."

Now, even though Pittsburgh passed a no-smoking law, some of the private clubs still allow smoking, and these places reek of cigarette smoke and booze. There is no way to step into one of these clubs and exit without smelling like a cigarette. You would need to have most clothes dry cleaned several times after exiting these establishments. Some people even throw away their shirts instead of having them cleaned because the smell becomes so ingrained into clothing.

"You didn't! That shirt is ruined," I said.

"I didn't spill anything on it," he defended.

"But it probably smells like a cigarette. They were brand new and I'm sure he never intended for them to be worn before hanging them in his house."

"That's what you get when you ask me to get signatures," Fish said.

"He's gonna be pissed," I said.

"He doesn't know," he said.

"I'm going to throw it on the blog," I said.

"I don't care," he said.

And what have we learned from this story? Never ask the Fish Man to get you sports signatures without consequences.

The jerseys have yet to be signed, but they have received Fish's own signature.

Hope for slackers everywhere

2009-06-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

I attended a wedding this past weekend. The only thing worse than going to a wedding where you don't know anyone is going to a wedding where the person invited doesn't know anyone either. I guess it could have been worse, it could have been a cash bar or dry wedding, which it was not, so my girlfriend would get a free pass for this reason, and this reason only.

"I hope you realize I'm going to get shit-faced at this wedding," I explained to my girlfriend.

"Just don't embarrass me," she said.

"You don't know anybody so how could you be embarrassed?"

"Just behave."

The only reason we were attending the wedding is because the mother of the bride had worked at the same company as my girlfriend. They no longer worked together but apparently my girlfriend has to be so like able that she still gets invited. Yippee!

We had trouble with parking and I started bitching about my discontent for weddings held in the city and asking what reasonable person gets married where there are no bushes to water when the restrooms grow crowded. Who gets married where there is limited parking at there is a long drive home? This is obviously someone who is not thinking of the drinking man?

We parked in a downtown parking garage and glanced at the sign which read $20 dollars for 4 or more hours.

"We're out of here in 3 hours," I stated. "Take some money out of that envelope if we're paying 20 dollars for parking," I continued.

"I'll pay for the parking," she said.

I think I continued to bitch for the entire walk into the wedding and calmed myself just a bit when I spotted the bar. We walked over and grabbed a beer and wine. I must tell you that I don't think a cold Budweiser ever tasted so good. My mouth was parched after all my bitching about attending the wedding and the Bud was the perfect cure.

We took our seats and shortly after the bride's mother appeared. She and the few people seated at our table were the only people my girlfriend knew. I didn't know anybody. My girlfriend introduced me to the bride's mother and I said, "I see you know my girlfriend well. You put us next to the bar."

The mother smirked and nodded and I'm pretty sure she thought I was an idiot. Oh well, I probably wouldn't see her again anytime soon. We were drinking, sitting at the table and bullshitting when my girlfriend told me about the bride's parents being unhappy with their daughter's boyfriend. Talking about how he graduated and aspired to be nothing. He worked at some video game store and made about 7 bucks an hour. The parents even had a sit down with the guy and told him he better light a fire under his ass if he wanted to court their daughter. I enjoyed the story and thought, I look like a scholar compared to this clown, and downed my beer, wearing a huge grin the entire time, staring at the boyfriend from across the table.

They introduced the wedding party and the first thing I noticed was how attractive the bride was. The groom definitely had something up his sleeve, or in his pants, in order to land a woman of this caliber. He overextended his credit with this purchase and I immediately thought, this guy has to be loaded. I quickly turned my attention away from the wedding party and looked at the dessert table.

The rest of the night went by very quick. It was almost as if they were rushing us through every event of the evening: cake cutting, dinner, dance, and greetings. I didn't have a problem with this because the quicker the better. I almost wanted to hug them and say, "Hey, thanks for working your wedding around the Penguins playoff game. That shows some real class."

I looked over at my girlfriend when the rat left the table. The rat is anybody directly related to the wedding party seated at your table. The one person who may rat you out if you try and leave early. In our case, we had the bride's sister's boyfriend seated at our table. He walked away from the table and I said, "I'll meet you at the car. We might not get another chance. I'm outta here!"

My girlfriend walked out after me and she was laughing. We had made it. We were free of the wedding and going home to watch the hockey game.

"So that bride seemed out of the groom's league, huh?" I said. "He must have some serious cash," I continued.

"What are you talking about? That's the guy who works at the video store," she said.

My jaw hinged open and I almost swallowed a fly. "Are you shitting me! I thought you were talking about the bride's sister's boyfriend who was sitting with us at the table."

"No, no, no," she said. "I'm talking about the groom. That's why her parents had a sit down with him."

"Jesus! I have a whole new respect for that guy. He brings hope to slackers everywhere. If you can work at a video store and land a chick like that...wow!"

My girlfriend laughed and I thought, maybe it is the era of the slacker.

Moundsville Prison and "The Hole"

2009-05-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

Continued from Visiting Moundsville Prison

The tour ended with the entire group standing around "Old Sparky," the famous electric chair where numerous prisoners said their final prayers. The room also held makeshift shanks and other tools fashioned into killing devices. Personally, I'd rather die from electrocution than a shank in the side. My luck the shank would get stuck halfway in and I'd be left with a permanent disfigurement; even in death there's vanity.

The tour operator informed us pizza would be available shortly and we could either wait to eat, or start out on our own, and eat later. The entire group waited but the three of us headed out. You can eat pizza any time but a date with a ghost only happens every so often.

We walked out the electric operated gate into the dark hallway and nothing could be heard but the sound of the door clicking closed behind us. This was it, we were on our own. We huddled close and began to walk.

"It's a little cold in here," I said.

"Come here, let me hold you," Trainwreck responded with open arms.

"Get the hell away from me! I'm sure the gay ghosts just took note of you," I said and we all giggled as we made our way down the hallway.

"Where should we go first," asked Ples.

"Let's fuck with Red. I have a can of chew in my book bag and we can taunt him with it," I said.

We all agreed and made our way towards the cell block where Red had been stabbed to death. We arrived in the hallway and Trainwreck said, "Sit there and act like you're sitting on the toilet and I'll snap a picture."

"Ok." I agreed and we took a very interesting picture of the cell. We began to call to Red.

"It's no wonder they stabbed you to death, you big puss! Come out if you're so big and bad! We'll give you something to cry about!"

Trainwreck began to wander off and make his way through the hallways by himself. Ples looked at me and said, "Isn't it funny how comfortable Trainwreck seems to be in prison, as if he's done this before?"

I laughed, observing how Trainwreck did seem to be comfortable with his surroundings.

This continued the entire night. We visited each haunted location, stepped over the paranormal investigation teams. Let me correct this, they weren't so much teams as they were a few ladies with homemade patches sewn on their sleeves. We actually observed them with a crystal ball and doing some weird seance and we looked at them strangely as we made our way through the old psyche ward. We thought about giving up on the entire ghost hunt and turning our efforts towards something a little more fun, like messing with the other ghost hunters.

The only scary thing to happen is when Trainwreck wandered off in the Sugar Shack and I hid behind a wall and jumped out at him. He screamed like a woman, we laughed and aimlessly searched the hallways. Eventually we walked the hallways with no flashlights to make the experience scarier, but it never really got scary. We never did get back to "The Hole" where RD had been killed, because the bats prevented us from doing so. They buzz your head throughout the entire prison and it's about the scariest thing about the place.

We were sitting in a hallway, drinking our 2nd 8hr energy drink in two hours, when something clanged off the floor. Pleas jumped and I didn't move because I already knew who was responsible for it and it wasn't any ghost, unless you consider Trainwreck's pale legs a ghost.

"This really sucks," I said.

Trainwreck and Ples both agreed when a bunch of girls started screaming off in the distance. They were screaming and running through the hallways with small bulbs of light from their flashlights dancing on the walls off in the distance.

"Fat girls are so annoying," Trainwreck said.

"How do you know they are fat," said Ples.

"Because only fat girls make that kind of noise," Trainwreck said.

"Then why do you always steal their underwear," I asked Trainwreck.

"Because it's funny," he said and laughed.

"What do you think they're screaming about?" Ples asked.

"Somebody must have told them all the pizza is gone," Trainwreck said, "and it scared the shit out of them."

We ended up staying around 4 hours out of the 10 hours allotted.

Ghosts seen - 0

Times anyone was scared - Trainwreck once

We left the prison and all agreed that our days of ghost hunting were over. The trip completely ruined all the reality shows and and spoiled all other plans to visit different scary locations. We went into the prison a little nervous but we all agreed we'd have slept by ourselves in one of the cells if need be, because there were no ghosts in the place. We did get a few t-shirts out of the deal but as for ghosts, none!

Visiting Moundsville Prison and "Red" Snyder

2009-05-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

I've seen it on tv, heard about it for years, and occasionally hear stories about it, but I needed to find out for myself. I didn't want to listen to the opinion of someone else or watch any more shows on the topic. It was about time I went and drew my on conclusion on the matter of Moundsville Prison. Built in 1866, the prison was built by convicts and held thousands of prisoners during its 129 years in business. It eventually closed in 1995 when the prison was deemed sub par in terms of living conditions. Since its closing there have been claims that it is one of the most active paranormal locations in the world, with pictures to prove it, as the shadow man poster sits in the lobby of the prison as proof of his existence.

We had been planning the trip for months and the weekend had finally arrived. I don't know if it was coincidental or not, but the Ghost Adventurers show was on at 2:00 am when I arrived home from work Saturday morning and they just so happened to be at Moundsville Prison. I grabbed a pillow and rested on the couch as I watched Zak and his crew cover the entire prison, calling out the ghost of R.D. in the hole and provoking spirits in the room known as the "Sugar Shack." I eventually closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, I'd have my own adventure in less than 24 hours.

I woke to find Trainwreck had called me a half dozen times, obviously eager to get the ghost hunt under way. We were meeting in South Side at 5 pm and heading to Moundsville from there, about an hour and ten minutes from the city of Pittsburgh. There would be three of us going: myself, Trainwreck and some Phi Delt named Ples. Former TKE's don't normally associate with Phi Delt's but we figured we'd need someone weaker to sacrifice to the spirits, if needed.

I arrived at Trainwreck's house.

"Im going to be honest, I'm a little scared," said Trainwreck. "Are you?"

"Not really," I said.

"Oh, sorry, tough guy!"

"Where's Ples?"

"He's on his way. Did you bring a flashlight."

"Shit! I forgot. I didn't bring anything except my Broke But Still Drinking t-shirt. You know, for the video."

"Nice! Did you bring a video camera," Trainwreck asked.

"No. Ples said he was buying one. Don't tell me he didn't buy a camera."

"I don't think he did."

"Are you shitting me? What the hell is he good for anyway?" I asked.

"He's bringing flashlights," Trainwreck reassured me.

"Oh, Ok. I guess that will be ok. Did anybody bring cameras? I didn't bring anything but my t-shirt and a can of chew."

"I'm bringing my digital camera and I think Ples is bringing one too."

Ples arrived and we took off towards Moundsville, WV. We talked about the possibility of seeing something and how we needed energy drinks to stay up until 6 am. Six am? Wow, I really didn't like the sounds of that. I have a hard enough time staying focused on something for an hour let alone 10 hours. The prison let's you check in at 8 pm, takes you on an hour and a half tour, then lets you have free reign of the prison, you can go off and do what you want to do for 8 hours, NO BOOZE ALLOWED - Bummer!! State property means state consequences to infractions. I didn't want to be forced into staying at the prison. You get to stay from 8 pm until 6 am, or longer if you bring beer.

We arrived and it looked as though more than twenty people were waiting to go on the tour. Trainwreck said they only sold twenty tickets to the tour, by raffle, so it would be extra scary with few people walking around the prison. The tickets cost 60 dollars a piece but it looked like more than twenty people.

"Dude! I thought you said twenty people," I said.

"Yeah, it looks like twenty people just standing there smoking," Ples added.

"The website said twenty tickets."

The prison already pulled its first trick but we walked in anyway. The prison isn't very high but it is extremely long, taking up a few street blocks and I found it odd that it sits directly across the street from a residential street. I wonder what the property value is on a house with a bird's eye view of one of the most haunted prisons in the world, supposedly. It's hard to even get a good picture of the front of the prison unless you are standing off to the side and taking it at an angle because of its length.

We walked in and found our ghost hunting companions already waiting. I swear the prison ships people in from the surrounding trailer parks. Some of the people didn't even have more than two teeth and looked as though they'd done this before, carrying in chairs and coolers, as if they were going to the beach.

"Maybe some of these people should get dental work instead of dropping 60 bucks on a prison tour," Trainwreck said under his breath.

"Yeah, seriously," Ples added.

We checked in and Ples asked the lady at the counter if the spirits follow people home.

"Only if you invite them," she said. "They can't go with you if they're not invited."

"Someone told me not to pick anything up and take it home or the spirits would follow you," Ples said.

"That's not true," she said.

"So much for putting rocks in Trainwreck's backpack," Ples said.

"So it's ok to buy a souvenir and not worry about the ghosts wearing the t-shirt home?" I asked.

"Yes. It's safe to buy a t-shirt," she said.

"Ok. I'll take two," I said, handing over the money and giving her sizes.

I'd say there were about 40 to 50 people waiting to go on the tour. We were divided into two groups and each group assigned a tour guide. We were led off with the first group, getting up close to the tour guide from the start, asking the important questions, "How was it working with the Ghost Adventurers crew?"

"They were awesome. I thought they would be a pain because Zak wore more makeup than me, but they were really cool," she said.

"Were Zak's muscles as big in person as they were on tv?" Trainwreck whispered, causing Ples and I to hold in our laughter.

The darkness is empowering. You are really in total darkness from the get go and it's a good thing Ples brought flashlights because they were needed. The group crammed in close to one another and nobody wandered far from the group.

"Where's the sugar shack?" I asked, remembering it to be one of the most haunted areas.

"We'll get to it," the guide offered.

We were led through the different areas: the mess hall, where colors on the ceiling designated areas to segregate the prisoners between black and white. The mental ward, where old beds and medical chairs still stood, left in the same spot as the day the prison closed. The hole, where a famous prisoner named R.D. had lived. He was the warden's famous rat until fellow prisoners snuck into his living quarters and shanked him to death while he sat on the shitter. The sugar shack, a place where prisoners gathered to play pool and watch television, notorious for its hauntings. Our guide told us the story of the maintenance guy who left tools in the sugar shack. He went back for them, alone, and someone grabbed his arm and spun him around in the empty room. There were already veteran ghost hunters set up in the room when we arrived at the sugar shack. We were also told that the crew of MTV will never be welcomed back at the prison after their crew painted on the walls of the room to give it a more sinister look. Personally, I liked what they had done with the place. It really did give the place a more eerie feel.

We were led through the hallways of the cells. They were tiny cells, about as wide as my arm span and long as a person lying on the floor. We were told that at one time the prison was so overcrowded that 3 people lived in each cell. Trainwreck, Ples and I squeezed into one cell together and were almost on top of each other because it was so small.

"Imagine living like this," said Ples.

"Yeah and now imagine one of us sitting on the shitter while the three of us are in here," I said.

"Ugh!" said Trainwreck.

We were told of how this area housed the most dangerous prisoners. One man, William "Red" Snyder, lived in this wing. He was locked away for killing his parents, cutting them up, and placing them under his bed. He was one of the most brutal and predatory prisoners in the place. Always known for having a dip if tobacco in his mouth, he didn't play well with the other prisoners, so he always left his cell on his own, sometimes with a fellow prisoner 3 cells down. Apparently he and the other prisoner had had a misunderstanding earlier in the day, unknown to the prison guards, and when the cell doors opened, the man down from Red stabbed him to death in front of his cell. It is also known for its paranormal activity. The lady working in the lobby told us a story about Red.

"One day, when I was making my rounds to make sure the place was safe for the arriving tourists, I walked past Red's cell and he said 'Morning Mag' and I said 'Morning Red' and it didn't occur to me until I was a few cells down that Red is dead. The hairs all over my body stood up and I hurried out of the area.

We were then shown the court yard, where it is know to have tons of paranormal activity, and even has documented footage of strange lights in the field. The tour guide said it lasted for over ten minutes, but I can't seem to find it on the internet.

***Interesting notes about the prison***

Moundsville Prison once housed Charles Manson's mother and Charles Manson wrote a letter to request he be moved to Moundsville Prison, because it's where his family is from and he still has relatives in the area. There is a letter in the lobby, written by Charles Manson, requesting his transfer to the prison.

The prison had just under 1000 deaths in the place, from murders, hangings, old age and disease.

We had been given the tour and now it was time to head out on our own. Come back to find out if Broke But Still Drinking thinks the prison is haunted, or whether it's a myth.

To be continued...

Last Munchkin, Mickey Carroll, dies

2009-05-07T22:24:00.000-07:00

1919 -2009

Why is this significant to the Broke But Still Drinking readers? Because now I can finally go to sleep each night without looking under my bed. The Munchkins, of the Wizard of Oz, have caused many of sleepless nights for children all around the world.

"We represent the Lullaby League

The Lullaby League, the Lullaby League.

And in the name of the Lullaby League

We wish to welcome you to Munchkin Land!"

This song would ring through my head as I held the covers up close to my chin, peaking from the corners of my eyes, hoping the munchkins only lived in the land of Oz, and not under my bed.

God rest your soul, Mickey, and good night children.

Sleep well.

Ok, one last scare.

Oprah chicken riot

2009-05-06T22:54:00.000-07:00

New York - What started out as any other normal day for employees quickly turned ugly as thousands of hungry viewers stormed the KFC located on 42nd street in Manhattan. Talk show mogul, Oprah Winfrey, apparently didn't think ahead when she posted coupons for free chicken dinners on her website.

Employees said they felt the impending danger before they ever saw it. Pots, pans and shakers began to rattle as condiments fell from their holders, spilling onto the floor. One employee stated, "We thought it was an earthquake, but it eventually stopped. Then, all of a sudden, it started up again." Onlookers say the hungry mob of overweight viewers paused somewhere between 38th and 39th, to catch a breath, before continuing on with their hunger-filled rush.

Employees tried to shut the doors but were overpowered by salivating citizens. The chicken didn't stand a chance, as one person began eating a chicken right from the freezer, and another licked the fingers of the girl in charge of seasoning. We caught up with the manager who only said, "Shit! They don't pay me enough for this shit," and walked away, throwing his apron into the trash can.

Traffic was slowed for up to an hour and the store had to be closed for 3 when fireman had to be called in, with the jaws of life, to cut free two women who had become lodged in the rear entrance while trying to be first in line.

Oprah responded with, "I'm sorry. I never meant to ruffle any feathers."

Broke But Still Drinking has forewarned local 7-11 employees of our upcoming "free 6-pack coupon" promotion, planned for sometime this summer.

Disgruntled neighbors

2009-05-04T21:33:00.000-07:00

"Did you happen to talk to the neighbors yet?" my girlfriend asked.

"No, why?"

"Deanna was right, they're very unfriendly."

I haven't had the chance to meet many of my new neighbors, because I work opposite schedules of most of them and I already know two of them, Teddy Boy and Otis O'Flannigan, who both live in separate apartments in the building. It's very nice for us, being we can walk a few feet and sit in each other's living room. It's like having a built in drinking network in the apartment complex, I'm sure to the dislike of our girlfriends and wives. So I am very friendly with these neighbors, because of the shared love of drinking, but I haven't really had the pleasure, or displeasure, of meeting everyone.

"Those people below us are very strange," she said, "and they aren't very friendly," she continued.

"Why. What did they do?" I asked, more curious than concerned.

"I was carrying stuff up the back steps, because I couldn't fit all the groceries through the front door and I had to walk past the guy while he was cooking out. I apologized and said, 'sorry about walking through your porch area, but I couldn't fit through the front' and I laughed, thinking he'd laugh and say it was all right, but he looked a me, said nothing, and turned back to his grill and pretended like I wasn't even there."

I laughed, "Then he probably loves it when I walk through his porch area, lugging cases of beer all the time."

It's true. I never use the front entrance because I don't have a key and I prefer walking up the back staircase anyway. I guess I can see how it can be annoying when you don't have a private porch and you are subject to foot traffic all the time. I don't know how it feels because I have the top deck and nobody has any need to come up here, unless they want to get a good look at me or peep in the windows. After my girlfriend told me of his dislike of us, I had to laugh when I thought about carrying my stuff up the back staircase, banging into his chairs and grill every time I moved something into the apartment. He must have loved the bed moving day, when Otis O'Flannigan and I rested the mattress on his porch to laugh because Otis was so hung over.

"Are those the people Teddy Boy was telling us about?" I asked.

"Yeah, Deanna said she says hi to them all the time and they just stare at her and continue on with what they're doing. The other day, when I was showing the apartment to my friend, we were standing at the front door and the guy got out of his car, started walking towards the front, and stopped when he saw us standing there. We even moved aside to give him room to come in but he just sighed and walked around the building.

"Yeah, Teddy Boy said he kills them with kindness, purposely acts extra nice to the point where he's being openly annoying, and they still give him a look of contempt."

"They're assholes," my girlfriend stated.

"Hey, you know what would be funny as hell," I said.

"What?"

"They always leave their door open and only have the screen door closed. I should pretend that we're like best friends with them, you know, press my face against the screen and say things like, 'Boy, somebody is cooking something yummy in there,' every time I walk past their door."

My girlfriend laughed.

I may be their worst nightmare. They probably love when the wind blows and stray cigarette butts and beer caps land on their porch, raining down from the porch of their new best friends. Or when I use my chainsaw to cut small trees in the back field, only to be used in the bonfire directly below their open windows. This could be the start of a wonderful relationship, new BFF's.

Posing as a female blogger

2009-04-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me that female bloggers get a lot more commentors than males and I believe this is because there are more women reading blogs. In my expert opinion, I feel the blogs have replaced the soap operas and this is where women turn to hear the voice of other women. Now I could continue on, bitching about how unjust this is, or I could join the ranks of female bloggers.

This is exactly what I did back in December. I wanted to prove to myself that women get commentors and readers much quicker than males, especially males who write about drinking. I started writing from the eyes of a crazy chick and it did pick up traffic and commentors much quicker than my male blog. I thought about continuing on as a female blogger, but I liked my female character so much that I've decided to use her in my book. So, Lisa died as soon as she started in the blogging world, but she will live on in the book I'm writing.

I also started feeling a little bad when other people started commenting and saying how they can totally relate. I don't want to be the voice for the crazy people, although I probably could, so I decided to leave the female blog behind, stop writing so much here, and start writing a book. Let's face it, blogs don't pay the bills, unless you're some blogger who started writing before blogs were big.

You can read my writings as a female blogger at One Hypo.

Tiny dick in my pants

2009-04-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

It was a really nice day today, so I decided to go for a little jog. I tend to overdo it on my jogs so I always make sure to stop at Starbucks halfway through and get some energy for my trip home. Today nothing seemed to be working, not even the Starbucks.

Winded, dragging ass, and eyes pasted on the road in front of me, I thought I'd die on the last leg of the trip. Out of my peripheral, I noticed something pinkish mixed in with the dirt and gravel. I decided to ignore it and concentrate on getting home alive, or close enough for someone to come to my rescue. About twenty yards later, curiosity got the best of me and I decided to turn back. I could swear that was a tiny pinkie finger, I thought to myself as I eyed the object in front of me. I stopped, stared down and felt as though someone was aiming a camera in my direction.

Is that what I think it is, I thought and hunched down for a closer look. I'll be damned, it is what I think it is. It's a tiny dick. And by dick, I mean penis, not some young boy named Richard. What in the hell is a dick doing in the dirt. I wonder if this is what the person who discovered John Bobbit's package felt like. I wonder if they were asking themselves the same question, is that a dick?

Most normal people would continue on with their day, but I started thinking about what I could do with this dick. It's too small to be of any use, and that's probably why someone discarded it in the first place, but it has to be handy for something. Maybe I could take it home as a conversation piece, "Hey Chad, where did you get such a tiny dick?" Or I could wash it off and serve it in people's drinks, unsuspectingly. "Hey Chad, stop putting your dick in my beer!"

I picked up the dick and walked home. I was no sooner in the door when my girlfriend sent me a text.

Her: Make sure the place is clean. My friend wants to come by and look at the apartment. Make sure you pick up your panties.

She joked but I couldn't believe my luck. This tiny dick was about to pay off already.

Me: Ok. So I guess I shouldn't leave my dick out on the counter?

Her: What???

Me: Well, I found a tiny dick on the road and decided to bring it home.

Her: What! You don't know where that thing has been.I hope you didn't touch it...

Now I might be crazy but I'm not about to touch some strange dick, especially when I don't know where it's been.

Me: No. I used my shirt to pick it up.

Her: I don't believe you.

Well that ended the conversation and then I'm just standing there with this tiny dick in my pants. I don't know about any of you, but I don't want to be walking around with a tiny dick in my pants, and I especially don't want to be discovered with a tiny dick in my pants.

So, now I have this tiny dick sitting on my desk and I don't know what to do with it. Do any of you ladies, or men, have any interest in a tiny dick? I'm thinking about sending it to one of my friend's wives or girlfriends with a card that reads: For when (fill in the blank) is away on business. A little something to remind you of him while their away.

Turning chores into opportunities

2009-04-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

I was out shopping for Easter dinner supplies when the call came in. It was the little lady saying she needed to go to her parent's house before dinner, because they were out of town and she needed to take in the newspapers that had been gathering in their driveway. Personally, my own parent's would have returned to the soggy pages but not everyone thinks on my level.

"Why don't you do it now before I get home?" I questioned.

"Because you have my car," she said.

It was true. I did commandeer her car earlier in the morning because I had misplaced my own car keys the night before. We had gathered debris from the back hillside and made a huge bonfire next to Otis O'Flannigan's apartment, who is now my neighbor, and I had misplaced my keys at some point during the wood gathering, consuming a case of beer, drinking 3 bottles of wine, or paying the pizza delivery guy. I prayed they didn't wind up in the hands of the delivery guy because he knew where I lived and he gave me loving eyes as I paid him for the cuts.

So I was assigned to gathering the food supplies and I was in need of transportation. Therefore, I managed to swindle the car from my girlfriend, who put up no fight because she was still passed out in bed. I'm out on the road, enjoying one of the few days of sunlight, when my girlfriend breaks the news to me.

"The liquor store is closed," I said, voice filled with anguish.

"It's Sunday and the store normally opened is closed," I said.

"Once again, it's Easter. Now when are you bringing my car home?"

"Why don't I just do it for you? I can handle taking some newspapers into the house."

"Are you sure you can handle that assignment. It's a pretty big task for a little boy like you," She mocked.

"I'll do it! Are you sure your dad isn't home? I don't want him shooting me," I explained.

It was daylight and I'm sure her dad would have recognized me without mistaking me for an intruder, but this is what concerned me. I figured he'd shoot because he knew it was me. His daughter did just move in with me so I'm sure I'm not on his most popular person list. I also know he carries a small arsenal of firearms and is ex-military.

"I swear they're out of town visiting my grandparents."

"Ok."

I sent my buddy, B.e.r.t (Boring Eric Robert T@#*#@), a text message.

Me: Do you have any beer at your house???

Bert: It's EASTER!!! I'm with my family!!!

Me: So that's a yes?

Bert: Stay away from my house, Chuckie!!

Me: I understocked for the holidays and I'm afraid the natives are growing restless.

Bert: Now you'll know to prepare better next time. Now leave me alone.

A light bulb went off in my head as I drove to my girlfriend's parent's home. Not only is her father an avid gun collector but he's also an avid collector of beer. I realized this chore could become an opportunity and I didn't want it to go to waste.

I pulled into the driveway, covered with tree buds and newspapers, and realized this was a good sign that they were still out of town. I had seen some neighbors walking a dog down the block and they'd soon be closing in on her parent's home shortly. I didn't know if they were friend or foe so I knew the operation had to be quick. I looked at my watch to see if I could wait until nightfall and it read 12:30 pm.

"Shit! That's a lot of time to kill," I said to myself and pushed open the car door.

I ran down the driveway, gathering newspapers the entire way, and flew into the opening garage door. No turning back now. If someone were home, I'm sure they heard the ruckus out front and the garage door opening. I curled one of the newspapers into a makeshift club, in case I had to deal with any hand-to-hand combat on my way to the beer fridge located in the laundry room.

I opened the fridge.

"WTF!" I said, trying my best to whisper.

It looked as if it had been ransacked before I got there. There were maybe 8 beers in the fridge. I had been to this same fridge before and it had seen better days. I remember, one time, when the fridge overflowed with Heineken and Corona and you had to put your weight against the door to get it closed. Now the land was practically barren. I wonder if he'd notice 7 beers missing, I thought and decided to settle on four.

I removed 2 Corona and 2 Heineken, squeezing them against my chest for safety. I heard a loud bang come from upstairs.

"She set me up," I whispered to myself. She planned to have me killed all along so she could enjoy the new apartment all to herself, I thought as I tiptoed out the door. Jesus rose today and I'm about to be buried. I heard the bang again and decided it be better if I used the "hauling ass" approach. I flew out the garage door, sprinted up the driveway, jumped into the car, slammed it in reverse, almost hit the neighbors walking the dog, and left without turning back.

I checked the beers resting on the front seat, making sure they remained unscathed, and gave myself a once over.

"It's a good day, my friends," I said to the beers. "The Lord has risen and so have I... I have risen to the occasion ONCE Again!"

I gave myself an air high five and smiled the entire way home.

First apartment needs

2009-04-14T12:21:00.000-07:00

The little lady and I have officially moved into the new apartment and I've found I don't own very much stuff. I moved my entire life in 4 small boxes, all of which are now resting in a small closet in the living room. I didn't always have nothing, but a move to North Carolina forced me into handing over all my goods to Good Will, and I have yet to rebuild my empire of belongings.

The little lady and I were enjoying the new view from the back deck when I noticed an awesome view of the sky above. I looked to my girlfriend, who was lost in thought, and told her of some new apartment needs that I thought the place could use.

"Do you know what this place needs?" I said.

She mentioned a long list of things the apartment needed, including a couch, bed, certain bathroom cabinets, etc... She caught me off guard because these were the least of my concerns. I looked back at the sky, up at the multitude of stars visible from our deck and shared.

"I think we need a telescope," I said.

"Really? You find that more important than a bed?"

"Look at the view! I could sit here, drink beer, and pick up star gazing."

"I don't think so," she said.

"Did you ever own a telescope? I'll bet you didn't and you're already writing off important apartment essentials. My brother and I had one and it was awesome!"

"How many bedroom windows was it used for?"

"Not important. Maybe we can look at beds."

I knew it was time to end this conversation before it went into a direction I wasn't prepared to defend. It's not called peeping if you're simply monitoring bathroom movements, making sure nobody falls in the shower.

Changing Tires and Saving Beers

2009-04-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

My night time delivery job can keep me out as late as 5 am or get me home as early as 12:30 am, it all depends on the amount of orders that come in every day. I don't mind working long shifts because I simply drive around and driving isn't really hard, but it is nice to get done early on Fridays. I like to get home and drink a 40 ounce beer before going to bed so early shifts are a welcomed change on the weekends.

This Friday was looking to be a good one. I knew I'd be done early because I was in Fairmont, WV around 11:45 pm and that means I can be back at my apartment by 1:30 or 2:00 am. This is when I usually grab a 40 ounce beer in the local convenience store. You see, PA is still stuck in the ice age and refuses to allow alcohol to be sold at the convenience stores, therefore I purchase beer in Ohio or West Virginia and transport it across state lines, sue me. Until the beer distributors stop lining the pockets of PA politicians I will have to continue to smuggle 40 ounce bottles of beer across state lines.

The 40 ounce beer selection isn't all that great, unless you enjoy malt liquor, so I usually stick to the champagne bottle when purchasing 40 ounce beers. I enjoy the High Life out of a 40 ouncer. I made my purchase and threw it into the back of the truck, I don't let it ride up front with me because I don't want it getting warm, so its forced to ride in the rear.

I was on my way to the last stop of the evening and could already taste the beer on my lips when something happened. The truck was hopping on three legs and a loud noise screamed from below.

Jesus Christ! If that was a homeless man then I hope the truck threw him into the higher grass, I thought as I made my way towards the shoulder of the interstate. It was too cold to be dragging a body into the woods, especially when I would have to leave my 40 ounce alone in the truck. I hopped out of the truck and looked at the tire. It looked like it exploded.

"Fuck!" I yelled. "You just had to steal this from me, didn't you?" I said, looking to the sky. "You just had to pull some shit to delay my beer drinking."

I jumped into the truck and pulled the emergency phone from the visor, I dialed the shop boss and waited.

"What is it Chad?"

"I blew a tire," I said.

"Well...change it."

What in the hell? Is he kidding me? Change it, I thought as huge tractor trailers zoomed past and shook the tiny truck in which I sat. The shoulder of the interstate was as wide as the truck and trucks were racing past at 80 mph. There's no way in hell I was about to change this tire.

"Ok," I said and immediately dialed my girlfriend. I screamed expletives into the phone and she suggested I call AAA. I continued yelling and finally slammed down the phone.

"Change it! Change IT! I"ll show you 'change it'," I yelled as I beat the cement with the tire jack. Positioned behind the truck, screaming at the top of my lungs, I beat the shit out of the highway with the tire jack. That night I was committing two crimes, illegal transportation and destruction of public property. I can only imagine what the vehicles in the other cars thought as they watched a single man reenact a road side beating, no real victim involved. It's no wonder nobody stopped to give me a hand.

I managed to get the truck hoisted and the 10 lug nuts removed from the tire. I had the useless tire removed in a few minutes but the I couldn't get the spare lowered from underneath the truck bed. It would not move. I cursed as I tore through the pages of the owner's manual and didn't see anything about how to use a shitty flashlight on the side of a dangerous highway. I mf'ed everything and continued to throw shit all over the side of the road. I finally succumbed to defeat. It was over an hour and the spare would not budge. I was pissed and hoped for a roadside mugging attempt. I needed to take out my frustrations.

Scenario: An elderly woman in her 70's stops to ask if she can be of any assistance. I scream, "What! You want my wallet?" I say and approach the vehicle, dirty hands, wielding a bent tire bar. "Get out, lady! We'll see who's going to be the victim during this robbery. "Psycho!" She yells and peels away.

I called AAA. I waited for over an hour and suddenly realized I had never checked on the passengers in back. I hurried to the back of the truck, like a mother who's left a baby in a hot car. I raced around back and pulled it from the tiny box containing cushions and foam fillings.

"Oh, my baby! You're safe."

The AAA guy informed me there was a safety bolt blocking the tire and it needed removed before the tire could be lowered. It never should have been there in the first place, he said, and that I wouldn't have been able to see it without proper lighting.

My night went from 1:30 am til 4:30 am and I never got to enjoy my 40 ounce beer. It is still resting in my refrigerator, recovering from the traumatic ordeal.

I penned my bosses a nice little note and left it on the dash of the truck for them to see on Monday.

Come Monday, I was written up but for delivering stuff to the wrong shop, not my fault, and nothing was said about the flat tire that almost cost me my life. Another story for another day.

The tire didn't make it but the beer did.

Global Warming: Let's burn this mother down!

2009-04-02T11:59:00.000-07:00

"If you want a green thumb, go stick it up a cow's ass."

BBSD - April 2nd, 2009

If you're like me, and not buying into this whole global warming bullshit, then maybe we need to combine our forces and burn this mother down! That's right! Believe what you want but I'm not arrogant enough to believe humans are capable of predicting the outcome of this planet's future. It rid itself of the dinosaurs and it will shake us lose at any point it sees fit.

I'm enjoying the beautiful weather in Pittsburgh and I want this to last for a lifetime, so I'm going to do my best to heat up this planet. If the polar bears need a place to hunt, they can feed on the crack heads residing between 1st and 8th street in my neighborhood. Pittsburgh winters will have them begging to be back in the tropical weather of Antarctica.

So, if you want the warm weather to last, let's keep those lights on when leaving your home, say to hell with car pooling, let those cfc's lose by spraying a little extra aerosol each morning, eat a few more burgers and feed those cows some beans; let the methane gas lose, baby!

I think those would make wonderful t-shirts - Global Warming: Let's Burn This Mother Down!

Guiding Light Ending

2009-04-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

I heard on the radio yesterday that the soap opera, guiding light, will be coming to an end after 72 years in business. It will end this September and I don't know how I feel about this, because it was one of the few soaps I never had the pleasure of knowing. You see, my days of soap watching began as a small child. While my brother was off to school I would stay home with my mother and watch "The Young and the Restless", how those characters were restless. Every day I would plop down in front of the television and watch with anticipation as Paul and Nikki battled through a tumultuous relationship. Would Paul ever overcome his horrible bout with a venereal disease?

I still remember when my school career began. I would stare out the classroom window and wonder what Victor Newman was up to as my teacher rambled on about nothing. Victor Newman wouldn't stand for this nonsense. He would slap the teacher and tell them to shut up, and then he'd come up with some way to take over the school. I raced home every day and rewound the vcr, plopped down in front of the television, and drifted off to a fantasy world filled with eccentric characters.

Young boys today don't know how good they have it. Soap operas were the closest thing to porn you could get in my day, before the internet came along.

I graduated to "Days of Our Lives" in college. Every day, in between classes, I raced to the dorm room so I could stare at the lips of Billie Reed. It was an obsession brought to an end by OJ Simpson. How I hated OJ Simpson during my freshmen year of college. He single-handedly removed soap operas from the airways for an entire year, thus returning my life to normal. Thank you, OJ.

And thank you, Guiding Light, for never stealing away precious years of my life and warping my sense of reality. After 72 years, I can honestly say, you won't be missed. To those who will miss you, tune into Broke But Still Drinking for a warped sense of reality.

That is all. Thank You!

Cruel April Fool's Pranks for friends

2009-04-01T09:08:00.000-07:00

I am not usually that big on April Fool's Jokes or pranks because it is so expected, but I've been known to partake from time to time. Like the time I had a female friend of mine call my buddy and pretend she was pregnant. My buddy was away and a few friends of ours were partying at college when a female friend of ours showed up for the get together.

"Hey! I need you to do me a favor," I asked.

"What Chuck? I'm not doing anything weird," she said.

"I need you to call J.T. and act like some girl he knocked up," I explained.

"Doesn't he have a girlfriend?" She asked.

"Yeah, but it wouldn't be as funny if he didn't."

"That's kind of mean. What if he gets in trouble?"

"The only reason it will be funny is because he'll have to avoid the situation and do his best excuse making to get out of this one."

"I guess," she said, not sounding as thrilled as the rest of the party guests, who were all gathered around the phone.

It's funny, we didn't have cell phones in those days, so we would be calling his parent's answering machine to leave the message. Once again, not as funny if it goes to his own personal voice mail. Wow! I just realized we left the message on his parent's answering machine; that had to be a drunk decision made without proper planning.

"So you'll do it?" I practically sulked.

"Yeah, I guess."

(Crying into the phone) Hello, JT, this is Mary( name made up on the spot). We really need to talk....I'm pregnant. I don't know what you want to do about this, but, I'm really scared (sniffling). Call me because we really need to talk.

BEEP!!!!

Nothing was ever said about the incident and it really pissed me off because I don't like these types of things to go unnoticed. It was a few weeks later and I was talking to J.T. on the telephone.

"Hey, did you get any weird messages over the last couple of weeks?" I asked.

"Yeah, asshole, and you're lucky my parents didn't get to the message first. I knew it was probably you because I couldn't think of any girls who I could have gotten pregnant."

I should have looked into his recent sexual conquests before pulling this prank.

If you would like to pull this prank on a friend, it's best to pull it on a friend who recently bragged about a one night stand. This will get him to stop bragging and head for the land of denial in no time.

Follow-up to "Comcast Sucks" Post

2009-03-31T08:40:00.000-07:00

It took only about 3 hours for Comcast to contact me after posting the entry - Comcast Sucks on the blog. I'm convinced they have someone tracking the internet and searching out articles relating to them, and how bad they suck. This is the email that was sent to me.

Hello BBSD,

I read your post on this URL - Link

I understand where you are coming from. We all like to save money especially in this troubled financial environment.

In regards to a technician coming out to activate the new package, the representative you spoke with may have suspected that there are "traps" that needs to be removed from the pole to activate the channels. In some cases the channels can be activated remotely and a technician is not needed to come out. This may vary in each area.

Whatever the case, I will be happy to reach out to my contacts and see if we can activate the channels remotely. If we have to send a technician, I will request for the removal of the charges for the service appointment. If you are interested in my assistance, please reply with the phone number on the account.

I am looking forward to assisting you.

Mark Cxxxx
Comcast Corp
National Customer Operations

I google searched the name of the Comcast contact, and his email address, and it turns out he is legitimate. I decided to reply to his email.

Hello Mark,

Maybe you can help me out. It's a shame that it takes a blog entry to get any help from Comcast, being I've been an off-and-on customer of yours for a better part of my life.

My phone number is 724-xxx-xxxx

All I really care about is getting disconnected without being charged. If I do decide to get cable again it will be through my girlfriend's name, because Comcast likes to treat new customers better than its loyal, existing customers. I was told I do not qualify for any good plans, being I'm already a customer, but I'm sure my girlfriend can get a cable package dirt cheap since she isn't a customer.

Also, do you know Verizon offers a plan for $79.99 a month, guaranteed for two years, and this includes land line (phone), complete cable package, and high-speed internet? Granted, Like any other big company, they'll give me nothing but problems in the long run.

Maybe Comcast can show a sign of good faith and offer me a lifetime of cable, free of charge. I can see the headlines now - Cable Giant Offers Local Man Free Cable For Life. The photo could be taken in front of the corporate office, you handing me a piece of cable, kind of like handing over the key to the cable city, and both of us with huge smiles upon our faces. If this seems like a lot to ask, maybe you can throw me on one of your upcoming Comcast billboards. I'll work for free cable.

Thanks Mark,

Chad

Eliminating cable - Comcast Sucks

2009-03-25T07:22:00.000-07:00

I purchased my cable television package at a cost of 85 dollars a month, which included all the channels, HBO and high speed internet. It was a glorious time in the household, watching anything I wanted, flipping with reckless abandon, wondering if I would ever run out of channels to watch. I could watch Hitler attempt to take over the world and only moments later watch as a lion ripped the throat from a gazelle - the perfect cable package for children and adults a like.

These good days would come to an end. I received my newest bill and it seems the cost had gone from 85 dollars a month to $185 a month. I called the cable company, "What the hell is this!"

"Can we help you sir?"

"Why is my bill 185 dollars!"

"Let me take a look for you, sir."

I don't like it when they call me sir, especially when they're raping me. Sir, would you mind dropping your pants and bending over? Thank you, sir. We'll be done in a few moments.

"I see what happened, sir. It seems your introductory offer has expired," he continued.

"Well bring it back," I said.

"I'm afraid we can't do that," he said.

"Well cancel all my shit. I don't need it."

This is where they will try to console the victim after the assault. Somehow make you feel as though this whole thing was your fault, you shouldn't have dressed in such a provocative fashion when you purchased your high speed modem.

"How can we make this right? Can we offer you high speed internet at $24.99 a month?" He asked.

I tried to use my best sulking tone, "I guess that's a start. What else you got? I want my cable cheaper."

"I'm sorry sir but that is the best we can do on the cable."

"Well get rid of it. I'll just keep the internet for $24.99 a month."

"Oh, that will be a problem. You can't get that price on the internet without cable. Internet will cost $49.99 a month without the cable."

"Jesus Christ!"

"Sir! I think we can give you the very basic cable package and high speed internet for $38.99 a month."

We were finally getting somewhere. Just threaten them with Jesus and they'll crumble. It may not seem like it, but most Americans believe in God so a Holy Shit!, Jesus Christ! Good God! will usually get them singing your tune in no time.

"That's more like it. I'll take it."

"Ok, we'll get a technician out there asap."

"A technician? What for? I'm not paying for that shit?"

"A technician needs to swap out the premium package for a basic package," the customer service rep explained.

"Bullshit! You don't send a technician when I forget to pay my bill. You shut me down with the click of a button and turn me right back on the moment I pay my bill. I'm not buying that."

Scenario:

The burly man climbs the weather-beaten pole that once spent its days as a thriving tree. Now it serves as a carrier of cable lines and out-of-shape men and women. He reaches the top of the pole, positions himself near a group of intersecting cable lines. He locks in his lanyard and gets comfortable just as his cell phone rings. It's his wife. "Oh, no, I can talk. No, I'm not busy. I just have to yank a few of these cable lines and act like I'm doing something up here." He burst into laughter as he looks to me standing below. "Yeah...yeah, another customer who thinks we actually do shit up here," he laughs and continues, "I'll be home by six.

Little does he know, but he'll be in the hospital by six, because I have just removed my chainsaw from the trunk of my car.

"Someone has to come out and change the set-up," the rep continues.

"Forget it! Cancel all my shit."

The rep then explained how they needed to send a tech out to disconnect service. I explained how they can send whomever they want but I'm not paying for any of it.

I don't need cable. I have a library card, where books, cd's and movies are all free. Comcast can kiss my ass. If I want to watch tv, I'll spend a little time shopping for televisions.

"Sir, why do you keep bringing a chair into our store? Please shop for tv's elsewhere."

"Stop calling me 'sir.'"

Downsizing Life - Citizen's Bank sucks

2009-03-24T07:05:00.001-07:00

I've decided to resort to simpiler times and eliminate some of the most evil people from my life. The three biggest criminals in my life are Citizen's Bank, Comcast Cable and Verizon Wireless. I started the elimination process with Citizen's Bank.

This may be one of the most evil corporations in America and I think they make AIG look like a bunch of cuddly teddy bears. I've used them in the past and I don't know why I ever went back to them. You see, they have this evil practice of hitting customers with exorbitant overdraft fees and refusing access to your OWN money.

I was recently hit with 8 overdraft fees in 2 days. I don't carry money a lot, so I make purchases, no matter how small, with my debit card. I would buy a 5 dollar sub from subway, thinking I'm saving cash by getting the special, and Citizen's would hit me with a 39 dollar overdraft fee on top of the 5 dollars. They were nice enough to extend me credit for a 5 dollar sub at the total cost of 44 dollars. They make loan sharks look like priests.

Citizen's covered less than 100 dollars in "lack of funds" purchases and were nice enough to charge me only 320 dollars for doing so. I decided I'd had enough with Citizen's because they drag out any deposits you make and I think they do this in an attempt to cause overdraft fees. I transferred 50 dollars from my paypal account to Citizen's; it was the last transaction I planned to make with the bank. I transferred it on a Saturday, 20 dollars of the funds were available on Tuesday, and then the rest available on Friday - almost one week later. It said on my online statement that the deposit was made, but it said the funds weren't available. Why is this? Why do they drag out the availability?

I was going to run up an exorbitant bar tab and use my Citizen's card to make the purchase, tell them to kiss my ass, and walk away with negative 32o dollars in my account. I would simply steal back my money. My girlfriend bitched and said, I thought you were trying to build back your credit? I replied, they stole my money! But I decided to do the adult thing - I called them up, bitched and said I'm finished with them.

I joined the local federal credit union. It took me 10 minutes to open an account. I deposited my check and the lady asked, "Would you like to deposit the whole thing?"

I was shocked. What did she just ask? "What do you mean. I can get funds already. There's no 3 to 5 day waiting period for out-of-state checks?"

"Oh no, this is a payroll check. The funds will be in your account immediately."

I almost fainted. I couldn't believe they were allowing me "My Money" ASAP. I thought of dragging the woman from behind the counter and dancing her around the room, but I didn't want to move this relationship too fast, I wanted it to last.

I no longer carry a debit card. I am now going to become the person I've despised for the last 10 years of my life. You may notice me in front of you in line. I'll be the guy buying groceries and then writing a check. The banks will never have their way with me again.

Current Manson Photo

2009-03-20T08:25:00.001-07:00

I found this pic on the internet. It's the newest Charles Manson picture. The years in prison have really been kind to Mr. Manson. I only posted it because he kind of resembles my homeless man, without the hair, a scruffy beard and beer poster.

Fishing to save money

2009-03-19T09:30:00.000-07:00

I read an article online where Americans are fishing more in this turbulent economy to save money. Now this may be true, but I have a buddy who prefers fishing to working. My buddy has been unemployed for over a year and just found out that his unemployment benefits have been extended for five more months. We were out at the bar when I noticed a guy sitting at the end of the bar, who just so happens to run a landscaping business.

I turned to my unemployed buddy and said, "Hey, he owns a landscaping business and told me the other day that he would be hiring some guys for his summer crew. He said I could have a job but since I'm already working maybe you can talk to him about a job."

My buddy paused and thought about this for a minute. "When do you think he'd want me to start?"

"I'd think pretty soon since the weather is about to break."

"Do you think he'd want me to start before April?" My buddy asked.

"I don't know. Maybe. Why does it matter?" I asked and thought he'd be thrilled at the fact he could get a job.

"Well, I fish in April."

"What does that mean? You can still fish in April if you're working," I explained.

"No. I fish every day in April. I like fishing and I try to go every day."

"What! Fish on the weekends," I said.

"Fishing is one of the few things I enjoy so I don't want to miss any days in April," he said and walked towards the pool table.

I was baffled as I drank my beer. I turned to my school teacher buddy, "Did you hear that shit? He'd rather fish than work. That's your stimulus package hard at work."

"Not everyone thinks that way, Henry," he said.

Let's hope not, because I've always felt unemployment breads laziness. Some people may use it, but a good deal abuse it.

End Wasteful Spending

2009-03-18T09:53:00.001-07:00

With Obama giving everyone a check in America, except me, I think it's time for citizens to put an end to wasteful spending. We don't want to see another incident like AIG, where immediately after receiving billions of dollars in taxpayer's dollars, they handed out almost 200 million in bonuses to a bunch of idiots who bankrupted the company.

This is why I am stepping it up and ending wasteful spending, even if it's only on a local level. Today I was out riding my bike, when I noticed a few trucks parked out front of my local fire department. I also noticed a few younger kids with buckets and sponges washing these vehicles. Now I've been around and I know what fire trucks look like, and these were no fire trucks, these were personal vehicles.

I grew redder than the fire engines as I watched my hard earned money being washed down the street, carried away with the soap and bubbles. This isn't right, pharmacists are not permitted to carry personal amounts of oxycontins just because they have access, so why does my local fire department feel as though they can take free water. What if the next burning house needs that water and they run out before the fire is extinguished? Will the taxpayers be forced into building that person a new home because the fire department was being greedy and careless with the local water.

I emailed the following to the local fire department:

STOP WASTING WATER!!! The gas station attendant doesn't take free doughnuts and gas every time they leave the store just because they work there. If this continues, I will report you to the police station with whom you share a building. If the police are involved in this little scam, I will take it to a higher authority, and I will keep taking it to a higher authority, until we find an honest, water-paying American.

I think every American can make a difference.

Pallet of Beer

2009-03-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend and I are getting an apartment together. This will be the first time in my 33 years on earth that I will be living with a woman other than my mother. I'm already sensing that woman have very different priorities than men when it comes to preparing for a move. I talked to her the other day about some of my concerns.

"What do you think. Should we get a kegerator or buy a pallet of beer for the new place?"

"A what and a what?"

"Well Teddy Boy and I were discussing the best ways to save money on beer, and since I'm saving all my money now, I need to spend my money more wisely on beer."

I began to give her the details of my current dilemma. A kegerator will always keep my beer cold and provide about 7 and 1/2 cases of beer per purchase. Teddy Boy weighed in and said, "A good keg of beer is damn near 80 dollars nowadays, and I've purchased the same cases of beer, on special, for around ten or eleven dollars. It won't save you that much money and it will take a while to get the money back you spent on purchasing the kegerator."

"You don't even have any furniture! Maybe this should be your main concern," said my girlfriend.

I pretended not to hear this last statement and continued to explain to her that a pallet of beer would probably be the wiser of the two investments. I also discussed this with Teddy Boy. I asked him how much a pallet of beer cost. He is wise in the ways of the pallets, because his college fraternity was not permitted kegs on campus, therefore they were forced into purchasing vast amounts of canned beer.

"Well, we really shopped around back in college, a buck was a buck back in those days. I remember some really heated debates over a few extra dollars for the better beer, but cheapness always won out," he explained.

"How much?" I added.

"We used to get the cheap stuff for about 600 dollars a pallet and there were 99 cases in the pallet."

We continued our discussion over the telephone and decided we could probably get a pallet of beer, good beer, for about $800 or $900. That's about 8 to 9 dollars a case, pretty damn good if you ask me. I decided to explain these details to my girlfriend but she really didn't grasp the rationality of my decision.

"Where are you going to put all this beer?" She asked.

"In the storage unit downstairs."

"Do you really need that much beer?"

"Just think! I could run a little beer warehouse out of the basement. You know, people are in a bind and they need beer fast. Who do they come see? That's right, they come see me and I'll sell the cases for 10 bucks a piece. That's a 2 dollar a case profit just for directed someone downstairs."

"That's illegal," she explained.

"I don't care. I'm tired of these corrupt politicians doing what they want and expecting us to be law abiding citizens. They can kiss my ass." I didn't really tell this to her but it's what was on my mind.

"I think you should buy yourself a dresser," she said and dropped the matter.

So the power struggle begins. This should be a very interesting living arrangement.

I called Teddy Boy.

"What do you think about getting four of us together and going in on a pallet? I think I could hide 25 cases throughout the apartment."

"Yeah. Let's get together on Saturday and call around for the best prices."

I can't think of a better way to spend St. Patty's Day weekend.

Phoenix assaults heckler

2009-03-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

Well, he's at it again. Joaquin Phoenix continues his bizarre act of converting to a successful rap artist. Personally, I don't think he beats enough women or hides enough concealed weapons to be considered on Tupac level quite yet. Here is a clip of his performance at a Miami night club, where he left fans waiting until 2:00 am before finally appearing on stage. He still dawns an unkempt beard and chain smokes throughout the entire performance.

It's not clear whether or not he landed any punches, but I think he managed to knock the cherry off his cigarette before being carried away by security.

The makers of assault rifles need to sign this kid while he's still affordable.

Tapout "Mask" Dead

2009-03-11T23:51:00.000-07:00

This isn't relevant to the things I normally post, but I was pretty shocked to hear Charles "Mask" Lewis, one of the founders of the company Tapout, was killed earlier today. I love UFC and MMA so I would watch the show Tapout from time to time. If you're not sure which character he was, he wore makeup on his face and was always the most talkative character on the show. Apparently he was killed by a drunk driver. They are saying he and another driver were racing in Newport, CA when his car struck a light pole. You can read the article at MMA.

Bar Stools

2009-03-11T09:36:00.001-07:00

Nothing much happens at my night job. I spend 8 to 10 hours driving the same route night after night, so when something does happen, I'm going to write about it. It was a few nights back and the rain was coming down in blankets and the truck's wipers were working overtime. I'd finished up my route in Ohio, and was driving the back roads of West Virginia, when something caught my eye. Sitting on the side of the road were two large boxes. They looked similar in shape to old refrigerator boxes but weren't quite as large. I thought to myself, you know what happens on the back roads of West Virginia, don't you? This could be some sort of elaborate redneck trap and they're waiting for some gullible driver to stop and get out of their car. Tah dah! Tonight's dinner or sexual entertainment.

I continued past and headed down the road a few hundred yards when I slammed on my breaks. I can't do it. I can't go on without knowing what's in those boxes. I threw the truck in reverse and hauled ass back to the area where the boxes rested. You don't really need to worry about driving in reverse on the back roads of West Virginia, because there is nothing but emptiness. You may drive past a state trooper but they'll usually allow you to pass, thinking you're simply heading home from the bar and it's easier to remember your way home by retracing your steps.

The headlights illuminated the water covered boxes as I crept towards the side of the road. My mind raced as did my heart, I've watched way too many movies about the mountain people of West Virginia. My eyes were on high alert as I tip toed towards the boxes. One rested against the guard rail and the other lie parallel with the road. I shone the flashlight on the boxes and tried to make out a label. I searched and pushed the box on the road with my shoe. I flipped it over to find a company name - Bar Stools. Oh, Jesus, these rednecks are good, I said and my eyes shot behind the guard rails, expecting three or four of them to be falling on me at any moment. They couldn't have found a bigger piece of cheese to lure this mouse. Bar Stools? You've got to be kidding me.

I kneeled down, water streaming down my face and dripping onto the soggy box. I felt the texture and knew it wouldn't take much effort to puncture a hole into the thing. I used my pointer and middle fingers to push into the wet box, it felt like pushing into a tomato, and peeled some of the paper back. I pushed the flashlight into the opening and sighed. Those are beautiful, I said and looked around as I heard scratching noises coming from the embankment.

"Is anybody there?!" I said and noticed a few sticks swaying in the wind and rubbing against the guard rail.

I looked to the sky, water rushing past my face as if I passed out next to the urinals, and uttered, "Lord, are these for me?"

I heard rustling in the woods, could have been two squirrels or my captors, but I wasn't taking any chances. I grabbed the boxes and threw them into the side of my box truck, breaking one part that was to be delivered, but feeling it was a small loss for my inevitable happiness. I threw the truck into gear and hauled ass out of there.

THE NEXT DAY...

I placed the new bar stools in my front room. They looked beautiful, even without a bar for them to be seated next to. My girlfriend walked into the room, "Where did you get those?"

"Get what?" I said as if I didn't notice the elephant in the tiny room.

"What do you mean 'what?' The bar stools?"

"Oh, I found them."

"Where?"

"On the side of the road," I explained.

"Well they probably belong to someone. They probably fell off a truck," she said.

"You're damn right. They belong to me. Finders Keepers is one of the strongest values we learn as children."

"You should report them."

"To who! The police? You gotta be kidding me. I wouldn't drop off a missing child to them. You know what they do with the lost-and-found, don't you? They pick through the good shit and put the rest out for the public. Have you ever seen any cool shit in the lost and found?"

She ignored me and walked away.

"I won't have my bar stools supporting their asses! My tax dollars already do that!"

I looked to my beautiful pair of bar stools and rubbed them as if I were patting a child's head.

"You couldn't have found a more loving home."

This truly is a St. Patty's Day miracle. If you too would like to adopt a bar stool, please visit ALL BAR STOOLS.

Cheers Eddie Doyle loses job, offered new one at Polish Falcons

2009-03-10T11:54:00.000-07:00

For most of you who don't know, the economy has claimed another casualty. This casualty hits close to home because this man is a true American hero for beer drinkers everywhere. His name, Eddie Doyle. Who is Eddie Doyle? Eddie Doyle was the inspiration for the famous bartender, Sam Malone, from the 80's sitcom, Cheers. The Beacon Hill Pub, located in Boston, was the main inspiration for the show and Eddie was the man who brought the womanizer, Sam Malone, to nearly every living room across America. Known for his philanthropy across the Boston area, Eddie was a real-life celebrity to anyone who had the privilege of being served a beer by the legend. I never had the chance to meet Eddie, but I'd like to see this change. I have taken it upon myself to offer Eddie a job at my local watering hole, The Polish Falcons.

Dear Eddie,

It saddens me to see you out of work. I'm not sure what they were paying you at the Cheers in Boston, but I'm pretty sure we can make a pretty handsome offer ourselves. The Polish Falcons, Nest 182, is willing to take you on as a part-time bartender. We have the following hours available - Monday 3:00 to close, Wednesday 3:00 to close, Friday 3:00 to close, and every other Night at the Races. In addition to your weekly hours, we have found suitable living quarters for you so an apartment search will not be necessary. It just so happens, my apartment will soon be available. It is a luxurious apartment located on the "extended" outskirts of Pittsburgh, PA. It is a two room, one hallway, and one bathroom suite. Rent is $300 a month, utilities included, and I'm sure this can be negotiated down with your celebrity status. We are a very rowdy bunch who enjoy shots, beer and plenty of CHEERS! Please consider this offer. We do not want to see you in the unemployment line. It would break our hearts.

Yours in the drinking world,

Broke But Still Drinking

I hope he gets here by this weekend.

Becoming a donor

2009-03-09T23:46:00.000-07:00

I always have my ears and eyes available for any types of get-rich-quick schemes. This started back as a child when I sold slush puppies door-to-door in my grandparent's neighborhood. Little did the neighborhood know, but they were simply getting a dixie cup full of crushed ice with fruit drink syrup poured on top; basically, a few spoonfuls of sugar on top of ice that was crushed in an antique ice crusher found in the basement of my grandparent's home. Some customers were even fortunate enough to get a few flakes of rust that managed to detach itself from the metal sides due to lack of proper cleaning before the enterprise began. If the health board caught wind, I doubt I would have made it past the front yard before being shut down. I'm also afraid that I may have had something to do with the late-stage diabetes epidemic in the area.

My ears caught wind of a great new scheme while driving this past evening. I was busy doing my nightly job of delivering auto parts when an announcement came over the radio for sperm donations in the Pittsburgh area. I scrambled to find something to jot down the information before the commercial ended. I grabbed a subway napkin and my clipboard and penciled the information between smeared honey mustard and a leftover pickle. I immediately decided to share this new enterprise idea with my girlfriend. I phoned her.

"Hey! What do you think about me selling my sperm?"

"No! I already had this discussion just the other day," she responded as if she were expecting this very call.

"With who? Why and with who are you discussing my sperm?"

"With the people at work. It was a topic of discussion last week and I told them it shouldn't be very long before you come to me with the idea," she explained.

"Well don't you think it's a sign, being I just watched an episode of That 70's Show today, and it was the episode with Kelso deciding to sell his sperm and Jackie getting pissed off."

"Don't you care where your sperm goes...don't answer that question. You're a guy, of course you don't care where your sperm goes."

"I can see it now 'And our next sperm donor recently moved out of his mother's home, filed bankruptcy and is finally working again. Any takers? Anybody?' is what they'll be saying down at the cryogenic's laboratory."

"I think they'd be looking for something a little more positive," she replied.

"Our next sperm donor is a Libra, enjoys libations and only has minor mental disorders. Any takers?"

"No!"

I decided to drop the subject but not before noticing I had scribbled the website on top of a napkin that was placed on top of customer's orders, orders with carbon paper underneath. The website was now attached to the receipt of all the orders. Great! Now all the customers will know of my plans to populate the earth. This will not be as anonymous as once planned.

Ebay Auction Austin Guerra Family

2009-03-06T08:08:00.000-08:00

What does it take to wind up on the news for something you've chosen to sell on Ebay? A laid-off Austin father has decided to sell his entire family on Ebay. Now you may be thinking this is a really fun, out-of-control family who is willing to do anything. Nope, I've never seen a more mundane group in my life. The father suggests possible uses for his family, like wear t-shirts or something, maybe walk in a parade. Asking price? Oh, he's looking to make at least $50,000 for the entire family. He figures it's only fair since there are five of them.

VIDEO

"Bob, yes, I would like to bid on that item."

Audience goes crazy in the background as numbers emerge from the crowd. I look back and forth and wish I had a wife in the crowd to give me a final answer. I must make a go of it on my own.

"Bob, I have a final answer. One Dollar. Yes, BBSD would like to bid one dollar for the item up for sale."

I can see it now, 5 family members wearing "I'm with Stupid" t-shirts and fetching beers at my up-and-coming keg party.

"I don't care if you're only five. NOBODY spills the pitchers for beer pong! You can blame this on your father."

I will get back to regularly scheduled content as soon as I stop working so many hours.

** I tried to auction off my "Jar of Potential" and it got very little response. Surely all that potential is worth more than a boring family.**

Guerra Family Ebay Page

*Please do not bid 2 dollars. I hate when people bid one dollar higher.

THEY SOLD FOR OVER $48,000.00 - UNBELIEVABLE!

If someone wants to waste money, I'll take them to the bar with me and my friends.

West Virginia Outlawing Barbie - Jeff Eldridge

2009-03-04T11:32:00.000-08:00

I normally don't post things on such matters, but please tell me, with the state of our economy, this isn't the biggest concern for West Virginia Democratic delegate, Jeff Eldridge.

Today staff and wire
March 4th, 2009

A state lawmaker proposed a bill Tuesday to ban sales of the iconic Mattel doll and others like her.

The Barbie Ban Bill, proposed by Democratic Delegate Jeff Eldridge (D) Lincoln County, says such toys influence girls to place too much importance on physical beauty, at the expense of their intellectual and emotional development.

"I just hate the image that we give to our kids that if you're beautiful, you're beautiful and you don't have to be smart," Eldridge told West Virginia news station WOWK.

The delegate concedes that the chances of getting the bill passed are slim, but adds that he stands behind it.

"I knew a lot of people were going to joke about it and poke fun at me," Eldridge said. "I couldn't get anybody to sign on the bill with me but I said I'm still going to introduce it."

I think it's time to ditch the delegate! This should be the new goal of West Virginia. I can't believe we pay these idiots to run our country.

Broke But Still Drinking had the chance to catch up with Mr. Eldridge.

BBSD: Mr Eldridge! Is this really about Mattel disciminating against the children of West Virginia?

Mr. Eldridge: No questions, please!

BBSD: Is it true this would be a dead issue if Mattel brought out future dolls such as: Barbie and Cousin, The Barbie Tractor, and Toothless Barbie.

Mr. Eldridge: Those statements are insulting.

He walked into the building as I shouted my last thoughts...

BBSD: What if they agree to make a few of the dolls cross-eyed?

Here is a picture of Eldridge, in case you want to poke fun at him in the streets.

District 19 - Capitol Address: Room 212E, Building 1State Capitol Complex Charleston, WV 25305Capitol Phone: (304) 340-3174Business Phone: NAE-mail: jeffeldridge96@yahoo.com

And some of my family origins are from West Virginia, so I can poke fun all I want.

Drinking with cops

2009-03-03T09:30:00.000-08:00

With the little lady being away in Vegas for the weekend, I knew it would be a pretty rough ride on my part. Otis O'Flannigan called at noon on Saturday and asked if I'd be interested in feasting at the Chinese buffet and then making our way to some local watering hole for a few afternoon cocktails. I told him this sounded like a wonderful idea and I'd be awaiting his arrival. We found ourselves planted in front of heaping dishes in no time.

"I told my cold before I left 'You better be able to swim because I'm about to drown you in booze,'" I explained to Otis as I popped a handful of cold medicine into my mouth. I then took a picture of my plate of food and sent a text to XL.

ME: Guess where I'm at?
XL: A soup kitchen?
Me: Guess again. You can blame this place for at least one hundred pounds of your recent weight gain.
XL: Are you washing dishes to eat again?
Me: No, your girlfriend's paying.

This ended my brief text exchange with XL.

We finished enough food to put the Chinese in the negative and moved our business elsewhere. We found ourselves in front of 40 draft beers and licked our chops. Otis began to pester the bartender for free samples as I decided on my first victim. "I wonder if anyone has ever finished all 40 drafts in one sitting," I said as the bartender looked towards us in disbelief.

"I'd start with the easy beers and use the hard ones to finish me off in the end," Otis responded as the bartender continued to ease drop. She probably thought we were joking but we were honestly weighing our options and putting together a strategic plan for the feat.

I decided to text Mark.

Me: You wanna me and Otis for drinks?
Mark: You gotta be kidding me! Kenny is in Florida drinking. You and Otis are drinking. Dirt Dog and Big Swools just called and said they are drinking and Walnuts and XL are in Pittsburgh drinking. It's 1 o'clock in the afternoon! I need to reassess my friends.
Me: Maybe you need to reassess yourself.

9 to 11 hours later

All four drinking parties managed to come together in one spot. We no longer needed to poke fun at one another via text when we could now exchange insults face-to-face. We found ourselves drinking with a few of America's finest, the local police. I began to explain to one of the off-duty officers why I have a serious problem with the police because of the unnecessary bullying by young cops. This isn't recommended unless you're willing to face a police beating for your next minor traffic violation. I tend to get loose in the tongue when boozing for over 10 hours so my actions were not considered dangerous at the time. I was surprised when the cop agreed with me so I decided to buy them shots. This would most likely earn me a get-out-of-jail card for any future indiscretions.

We did shots, hugged, and for the first time, I realized these officers may be some of the finest walking the beat. I don't know how long we drank with the officers but it was for a good bit of time. At some point during the night, Dirt Dog approached the officers and uttered one of the greatest lines ever spoken. He said, "Excuse me, officers. In my current condition, what would be the best route for me to go home?"

The officers exchanged glances and then informed him of a back road where nobody travels and few officers patrol. Dirt Dog exited the bar. I believe I crawled the three blocks back to my place a short time later.

You know, there are some really good cops out there.

A male secretary

2009-02-26T09:53:00.000-08:00

After 4 days on the workforce I found myself back in the unemployment line. Surely the world has a place for me someplace where I won't become bored in weeks and have me searching for greener pastures. Maybe God would send me a sign or a tiny note, or maybe even ring me. God didn't ring me, but my mother did.

"You can go to work for your brother, if you want," she said.

"At the hair salon?"

I haven't cut hair since my friends would line up in my parents garage, but it couldn't be much different than riding a bike. I could specialize in the crew cut. I could already picture it, the wealthy women in the neighboring town sporting the "Charlie Special."

Two women pass in the street and one winks at the other, "Hey! Nice Charlie you have there." The other turns to smile, "I love the way he did your Charlie." The women giggle as they carry away their expensive packages and carry on with their days. Both sure to get plenty of attention with their new crew cuts.

I already have an image of my face on shampoo bottles as I scrounge through my apartment to see if I can find some scissors. I think they were last used to open a candy wrapper so they'll probably need washed before I begin cutting. I'll also need my hair clippers. I think my body hair will need removed from between the blades before using them on my clients. I remember using them to trim all the hair from my body when I was drunk and bored a few months back.

"I'll have to find my supplies," I told my mother.

"You don't need anything," she said.

"Wow! He's buying me new cutting supplies?"

"No, Chad. He let go of the girl working the front desk so he needs someone to book appointments and answer the phones," she explained.

"A secretary? He wants me to be his secretary?"

"Chad! You need a job and you can't be picky. Besides, you'll get to be around pretty women all day and get them drinks."

"They'll want more than just drinks from me."

"Ok, Chad," my mother ignored me. "I'll tell him you'll do it."

"Ok."

I looked at my closet door and realized there would need to be a lot of ironing done before I could be whipped into secretary shape. Another job to be added to my list. I've never worked as a secretary before, but I was up to the task.

Chad's Future Client - Mrs. Kurt Warner