Joining Jewish Friend Finder

I seem to treat certain friends as if they are omniscient. For instance, I only have one Jewish friend so I tend to think he knows everything there is to know about Jewish faith and customs, which I probably shouldn't, being he used to spend many nights in New York chasing overweight women and snorting paychecks up his nose.

My girlfriend works for a Jewish family so when I need to know if she has vacation days or not, I usually send him a text: Which holidays are the Jews celebrating this month? He'll laugh and then answer my questions.

The company next to my work went out of business, so I found myself rummaging through their dumpster. This isn't the first time I've gone dumpster diving and it probably won't be the last time. I'm just waiting to run into a Freegan one of these days.

Freegan: What are you doing here?!

Me: I'm shopping. The real question is - what are you doing here?

Freegan: I live here. Now beat it!

It was an old coffin company so I don't know what I expected to find in their dumpster, but I took a look anyway. I found and old, weather-beaten, brown box and picked it up. The contents spilled through the waterlogged cardboard and onto some other trash. I picked one up and removed the plastic wrap and found Jesus staring at me. Now who would throw away Jesus, I thought. I opened up the rest of the plastic wrappers and found old bronze crosses and multiple Star of David ornaments; this was obviously the work of an atheist. I collected my find and left the dumpster.

Now why did I take these? Well, I have connections in the flower business and I can put them to use in funeral arrangements, and that's exactly what I did. The floral shop owner told me he'd definitely use them. But what use did I have for the Star of David ornaments? The floral owner said he didn't have many Jewish customers so he probably couldn't use them.

I sent my buddy a text.

Me: I found a bunch of these Star of David coffin plaques. Do you want them?

Jewish friend: Why in the hell would I want those?

Me: Because you're Jewish.

Jewish Friend: Who gives a shit! Do you want me to send you everything I find with Jesus' face on it?

Me: That depends on whether or not it's worth anything.

Jewish Friend: I gotta go.

Me: Ok. I'll talk to you later.

He probably wishes I had more Jewish friends. Maybe I'll join Jewish Friend Finder.